Happy Funny Pretty Cake Post

I feel like the vibe here is too heavy, so before going on to Good Avice, Part II, let's take a break for some cake and comic relief.

My former neighbors, (still current great friends) were about to move to their new home, and were having a last hurrah in the old place for the husband's birthday. Over the years, he had asked me to make many cakes for his wife for her birthday or their anniversary. So finally the wife asks me to make a cake for HIM - I think she knows how much I generally don't like being asked, but I was THRILLED. "Could you do a T.I.M.E. Stories theme?" Can I do I time stories theme?!?!? Oh, I am a-plannin' the craziest, coolest, best cake ever, for my board game-playing, geeky, bestest dad, cartoon watching fabulous neighbor of mine. And with Moo, who has practically grown up in their house, we plan and design and print and bake, and show the birthday boy how much he means to us:

Yes, it's all cake (except for the deck of cards in the top right,

 candy tokens on the left)

Sample character card

Sample location card

...and so on. Good times.

Good Advice, Part I

Good Advice is just the same as bad advice so sings Allan Sherman

Okay, as you can tell from my last post, this has been a particularly bad time. I know everyone's first assumption would be that it is part of the global COVID despondency, but I would have to disagree, at least that is not the prevailing cause. It's more of the chronic abuse from the ex, coupled with the ugly political jungle, that is just blooming out of control in the current environment.

So while I was boiling over with disappointment and anger, I lashed out on FB. General post:"I hate you all."
When that got a bunch of stupid generic "Sorry you're hurting, what happened?" I couldn't see any reason to contain myself. "I don't want to hear your stupid comments. You could have helped at anytime, could have talked to ex and told him his behavior was unacceptable, But all you holier-than-thous hid behind your excuse of 'not my business', so too late, definitely not your business now."
And of course, I got more insulting, idiotic advice, "You may be depressed. It's no shame to get help. You should go find some help."
 Idiots. "Oh gee, you are so clever to have seen that. How could I have missed it all these decades?"
 Instead of subjecting you to a further sarcastic rant of my own, I'll link to a great article in McSweeney's by Jen Fremond.

A little while back, I was hosting a young woman who lives a few miles away, who wanted to stay in the community for shabbos. I don't know her story in detail, and it's not my place to tell it if I did. Enough to say she made some poor choices, and is now in a very difficult situaltion, trying to just keep her head above water, and stay sane and responsible though the next few years until she can hopefully try to improve her situation. She has made that maddening, tortuous trip though public and charity social services that seems to end so very often at "we are so sorry, but we can't really offer any help to you." We stayed up late on Friday night, as she told me about her latest attempts to get her certification in her career field, but between child care costs, tuition, and the buracracy of public assistance, she had to put it on hold indefinitely, with the risk that it will be take so long that she will be required to start again from the beginning. I just sat and listened. She clearly didn't want advice, even if I had any useful advice. She just wanted to be heard, and to find a little sympathy and compassion.
The next day, we went out for lunch at a mutual friend. another woman at the table is perpetually giving unhelpful advice. She is definitely a nice, well-meaning woman, so I know it's ugly of me to take such a nasty view, but anyway... For example, after my lab closed, and I was job-hunting, someone must have brought up the subject, Ms. Advice goes on for several minutes, "you know there are a lot of Universities in the city, have you looked for jobs there? They probably have some information on their computer sites, maybe you could try that? Also, I think there are some pharmaceutical companies around, have you thought of looking into that? Have you applied for unemployment benefits? You may be eligible..." It was so horrible having to nod and smile, "oh, yes, good idea, maybe I'll look into that." When you are in a difficult situation, and someone asks you "Have you had the sense to try the obvious yet?" it is beyond hair-pulling frustrating - even if the interrogator has no idea how inane the question.
So I know what is about to start, when I hear the worthless suggestions start hurling toward my houseguest: "Have you tried going to city social services for help with childcare? I'm sure the Jewish agencies must have educational programs available..." And then someone else at the table starts to chime in, and I just have to step in and stop this right there! "Those may be useful suggestions, but Houseguest is more knowledgeable about all the available programs and all the requirement than any of us, since she actually lives in her life and has been wading through all these programs for months." And Ms. Advice and the others looked unpleasantly rebuked, but apologized, and move away from the topic. And my houseguest was obviously relieved. And I was proud to be so bitchy.

I still haven't gotten to my main point here - that story above was just supposed to be an intro to the actual topic. I've gone on too long already, so let me post this before I lose my steam as I have for the past couple years, and I'll leave with
...TO BE CONTINUED

There was a time, long ago, when I believed things could be better. Then there was a while when, although I knew I would never be happy, at least things could become satisfactorily "good", so as to make life worth living.
So what happens next, when the past is only painful, but the future can't offer anything better?
Those people who would call themselves my friends would say this is just depression talking. Anyone who really knows me would say this is reality, and I need to adjust myself to reality. I didn't want to hear that message 26 years ago, but I have lost the war, and still I can't take that message today.
I'm tired of trying to fight up hill, to get above the rock-slide. I just want to give in, but do the best I can for others while I am here, because that is what makes me "pleased". I will never have enough money to rise above poor. I will never have courage or cleverness or strength to go to a higher level of status or employment. Maybe at least I can be helpful and virtuous in my own eyes.

Nah.
Maybe I can at least put myself in harms way so as to finish quickly.

Pokemon cake

Just some other stuff I have done with my days recently:

Pokemon birthday cake for Moo. I made the cake, he made the creatures (out of marzipan and a few Wilton edible pearls):

Job Search Ambivalence

I'm not sure exactly how much I'm comfortable posting, since I don't know if I am still have unwanted followers... but anyway:

I'm looking for new employment. I have actually been out of the lab for a year and half now, did I mention? Tried insurance agent at the considerable prompting of the agency owner: I liked servicing clients, and educating them on insurance minutia, but was awful at the sales part. I knew I would be, but it was good to shed some bit of those social anxieties. Then I went back to looking in science, got a great contract position for 3 months with a major Pharma company, loved everything about it except that it was such a terribly long commute, so I didn't even look to continue there. And now I am sitting at home, on LinkedIn again.

Ms. Useful had a great word of advice for me, when I told her about my moderate pace at sending out the resume s: "This is not the time for a marathon, when you get a job is the marathon - this is the time for a sprint!"

I took her advice to heart for a couple weeks, spent any hours almost every day applying for jobs. But the fervor is dying out again. And the void is not filling with anything good.

Well, I did make a few positive thing occur. I called the principal of the local day school, with whom I have developed a good relationship. "I desperately need some structure to my day, and you can always use some volunteered hands. Put me where you think I would be helpful." I now have a regular gig several days per week as teacher's aide for the 1st grade (along with other occasional jobs). I can't believe how much I love it! Especially since I never thought of myself as a teacher. But 1st grade is so wonderful, the kids all still want to learn, and it is so easy to see the difference one can make with an individual child. A friend just suggested that I offer my services to a yeshiva that is trying to start up in town, to shape the science program. (I have been pretty vocal in my opinion that the yeshiva's own advertising seems to set the bar distressingly low for the secular studies.) But I told my friend that I worry that I don't have the qualifications for that role - she responded that I'm better qualified for it then no-one, and I might as well take this time to try to shape the secular program for the better. ??? I need to jump on this before I shy out.

This was written the day after the election...


Don't Mourn, Fight Back  - Mother Jones
Today I freakin' flipped out at one of the men I see as having used me and silenced me these past several years. I must say that, as he was the one to initiate the conversation, he was not argumentative, and withstood my criticisms quite stoically,  and seemed genuinely to take the situation seriously, if not my insistence that his previous dismissals were a major driver of the whole sickening situation.
I'm been under one narcissistic, sociopathic power-mad man's thumb for to long (and dammit, one day is too long), while all stood by and watched. I cannot and will not let it happen again without comment.
Going to the post office today for my passport application, but also need to find out how I can become move politically involved locally and be part of the change. I was silent this whole election season, didn't try to educate, didn't challenge false claims, didn't try to engage my friends. Mea culpa. Not again.

This is still my beautiful blog

short hair

Hey, let's just pretend there hasn't been an extended gap since my last post.

I recently cut my hair very short - short for me anyway. The ponytail are now little one inch things, and sometimes now, I just put on the wig grip, and don't even bother with ponytails. Freeing!

Really, right now I desperately want to sleep, and desperately need to study. Yesterday, my world felt upside down, never to settle back to reality. "How did my life come to this?" I asked Little Miss Inside. To which we both replied "This is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife."

And on that confusing note, I will say good-night, please indulge me because I have missed you, and I will hopefully come back tomorrow with something more coherent, but please, with effort, something as meaningful.