In response to yesterday's playdate

I can’t write pretty, I’m really in a rush, and the lab is full of people, but I had to get this down.  I had a dream last night of the wasband, just a plain vanilla dream of  us as a family, him as a good Dad.  This is the first dream I can remember of him that wasn’t clearly driven by anger or love-starvation,  since…I don’t know, possible ever.  Really, I can’t think of any.  At some point in the dream, I knew it was just a dream, that the wasband and I were not together anymore – and it was not good or bad or scary or exciting, it just was.  

I was talking to a friend yesterday about the house I am moving into.  So many people ask “Why don’t YOU buy the house?”  Because I HAVE NO MONEY, DUFUS.  (that was NOT meant toward the friend from yesterday, she is close enough to not ask such a question, really, that was not aimed toward you!!!)  But a thought that popped in my head yesterday was, “What if I want to remarry?  A house to sell would be a pain.”  But then I thought, “I don’t know that I want to get remarried any time soon.”  Can this be ME, even thinking this somewhat honestly?  Even as I said it aloud yesterday, I wasn’t sure if I was being honest with myself.  I have felt so scared and lost this past year, I thought I was desperate to attach myself to someone.  I’ve always felt desperate to attach myself to someone, for as long as I can remember!

 I might be reading too much into this dream.  But it was just so peaceful, normal, even happy. 

Please, let me advance toward this happy place*.

 * These seemingly random pictures are representative of my happy place in a manner clear to only two of us, but not in the religious aspect associated with the bottom one. that bottom one is great, isn't it.  I also apologize for using these images without permission.