As Good As It Gets?

Quick Post: my emotional high didn't even last until the middle of the week:  with the additional costs of this "normal" apartment, I'm steadily losing money every month, and it looks like I will totally out of cash in about 8 months, and that is not counting in summer daycare costs, which will eat up at least 4 months of buffer cash.  Plus all my stockings and shoes now have holes (no exaggeration), and my two good bras snapped their underwire in two consecutive weeks, and the rest of my clothes are years old (no exaggeration, some are decades old), and not doing much better.  then one of the boys is spending hours each evening with the wasband doing his homework, and I don't understand why.  Between going to shul, swimming, and carpool (because the wasband got to keep the minivan, while I had to BUY myself a new tiny hatchback) he has them at least 25% of MY WEEKS!  And I going crazy and crying to the kids how sad it all is and how pathetic is my lot.  and I said I would never burden my kids with my worries, and now they are both on edge every time they need to buy anything.  And pushing the divorce along, which is more necessary than ever, but will make everything so hard in the short run - and then my oldest son will hate me even more... too much.

And I borrowed As Good As It Gets from the library (never saw it before).  Fantastic movie: weakest plot ever, and who cares, as the plot is just a vehicle to play with some really wonderfully entertaining acting, even from the dog. (although Hunt's attempt at a Brooklyn accent was so poorly directed, and kept going in and out and was mostly a distraction, and the "model" and his cronies were awful start to finish) and to deliver some great lines. 

The two strongest lines for me (which anyone could guess), were Melvin's encapsulations of two faces of depression: the envy of "Not everyone has horrible stories...You're pissed that they had good stories, pretty stories, and noodle salad;" and the complete hopelessness of "Maybe this is as good as it gets."

And here's a kicker I think I was relieved that the ending didn't do much for me - Carol shouldn't end up with Melvin, this is not a beautiful, romantic outcome.  And if she did end up with a perfect guy I would hate it, because it would make me feel even more hopeless and envious...
 
Hey, go to my Etsy store ThousandAndOneBeads , and tell all your friends - I need the money!  Credit card acceptability coming soon!

Finally had the vacation I have been looking forward to for so long.  It was very short - just one weekend, but wonderfully rejuvenating.  We completely missed the botanical spectacle I specifically came to see, but it didn't matter, it was gorgeous, the kids frolicked, and we all enjoyed the day.

It was a special day for the little guy, so I made this cake to bring.  I know this cake kinda looks like nothing in particular, but it is actually a fantastic replica of Po's original comic book hero.  

And here's a nice little topper - I apparently cleaned the whole kitchen in some half asleep crazed rambling Thursday night.  I don't remember this at all!  But the kitchen was clean when we came home, although the rest of the house was an explosion of laundry.  Maybe it was elves...

ThousandAndOneBeads 
Etsy Store

It's OPEN!  If you like my bracelets, please browse and share!  New listings to come soon, as well as credit card acceptance (at the moment, I can only take check or money order).
Also, if you commented previously, remind me to give you your discount.

Letter of recomendation

I want to tell you of the wonder of my enjoyable Passover.  But first I MUST write this rec-letter for my fabuloso volunteer in the lab.  Only the second person that I truly enjoyed supervising.  My previous posts on the subject were about how I despaired of ever being an adequate supervisor.

I have written few (maybe two) letters of recommendation before.  Is it profuse enough???  I couldn't stop gushing, as I was gushing all the time he was in the lab.

Dear Interested Party,

I am pleased to write to you on behalf of *Shimon Levy*, who worked as a reaserch volunteer in our medical research laboratory these past six months.  In the time Shimon was here, he proved himself to be intelligent, eager, and hard working. He was a genuine asset to the lab in a manner that is quite exceptional in an undergraduate volunteer.

We assigned Shimon to a continuing project of our laboratory, using established molecular biology protocols, to derive and sub-clone our gene of interest. From the beginning, Shimon showed a great understanding of subject and procedure, and asked intelligent and insightful questions when he approached something unfamiliar.  Yet he was also readily receptive to constructive criticism, and clearly interested in learning from the experience of co-workers and superiors. Equally important, he worked carefully, using good laboratory technique which yielded excellent results.

As his time in the lab progressed, Shimon took greater responsibility for the project.  He was able to work with a minimum of over-site, and independently research and design subsequent procedures, to overcome obstacles and further the project. He continued to show clear understanding of the project along with proficiency at problem-solving.  Shimon did not let sort-term set-backs discourage him, as we have seen happen in other volunteers assigned to this project. Rather, he shown great determination in sticking with the assignment until he was able to find a way around the impasse.

It seems superfluous to add that Shimon fulfilled all expected behavior in a volunteer: He was reliable and always showed up for work and put in all his hours, unless he had previously requested the infrequent day off.  He worked well with the other members of the lab, and was always willing to help with other projects. He completed routine assigned task in a timely and efficient manner.

These qualities of aptitude, persistence and thoughtfulness, together with his bright, genial manner and good work ethic, make Shimon a pleasure to work with, and a great benefit to any program. 

Thank you for consideration.

Sincerely,
Sweet Perfusion

Man, if I can only get more volunteers like this, I'll be the best manager ever!

Two years later, and lookin'good

Almost exactly two years ago, I posted about finally having the discretionary funds to buy fancy things for the seder table, so that it doesn't have the "dollar store" aura to it.  This year I've got nada - no dishes, cutlery, glasses, seder plate, wine glasses, serving dishes... I need to ask if I can use that Nahariya stemware I made sure to grab as I left, but otherwise, I left the wasband with all the Peasach-ware.  So this year will be the American, all-disposible-seder for me.  If you have followed this blog for a while, you should realize I usually don't have any disposables in the house during the year.  So this is a set-back.

And yet,  I am worlds ahead of where I was those two years ago.  I am happy and excited and looking forward to Pesach.  Only 6 days away, and the first twinges of panic are only just starting.  Usually the nightmares set in months in advance.  Yay.  I have so much left to do, but I'm ok.  There is so much I need to buy, and very little money, but I'm ok.

One of my friends said something about me being a neat person (as in clean and organized).  That's crazy - I'm a terribly messy person, who lived in a terribly messy house as a child.  But having a clean home is important to me now, so I work and work and work to overcome this cleanliness challenge.  I thought about my elementary-school friend Shuli : we got about the same grades, but she had to work so hard for them.  She said she admired that I was so smart that I never had to work hard.  But I admired her so much for her hard work.  So, now I can feel good about this success in house-keeping.  I just can't let that friend see the bedrooms overflowing with unorganized clothes strew all about.

Here are the finished bracelets.  Let's hear another "Yay!"  I hope Mrs. Surrogate is pleases as well. 

Now I gotta do laundry.  Here is wishing everyone a lovely, happy, kosher Pesach. 

Pre-pesach

I should post something quickly, as it will probably be the last one until after Pesach.

I asked my friend if she would do my Pesach shopping in The City.  She jumped to say yes, which is so great.  Then she commissioned me to make bracelets for her 5 granddaughters before the holiday.  Good- because I get to keep beading, relatively guilt free, and I will have a little extra cash.  Bad- I'm busy beading!! And I feel badly charging what they are really worth.  But she is doing my shopping in The City, so big savings there.  I'm sure it all balances out.

Anyway, I truly feel there is very little need for deep Pesach cleaning anywhere but the front rooms and kitchen, so I'm now just planning to start moving chametz-wear out of the kithchen, and into the hall closets, and seal it off.   I also want to start  cleaning the chairs - I have upholstered dining room chairs for the first time in many years.  And I have a closet all cleaned out to use as a Pesach pantry;  another big expense will be some kind of shelving for this.  I'm not crazy worried yet about cleaning, more about trying to find guests for meal, as the wasband's minhagim (customs) prevent me from going out much.  And that is actually leading to too much anxiety.

The rental fridge is coming tomorrow.  This is another big jump in expenses: a month of rental instead of 2 weeks, but sooo helpful, I'm not fretting.

Okay, I'm off to Home Depot now to start the shopping insanity.  Wish me well.
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Here is a new style of bracelet I have been playing with (and will be the general pattern for commissioned bracelets).  The new thing is the edging.  I added a whip-stitch around the peyote-chain band.  This picture does not capture it well; it is really lovely, enhances the piece so nicely.
The ring was just for fun.  I love it, but I am not a ring person, since I wear gloves so much at work, and the ring is too big and keeps sliding off.  So, I'm waiting for the time to make a smaller one...after I sew some snoods, kit some socks...  Yeah, we'll see what comes AFTER Pesach.

So my question now is, is it reasonable to blow the whole profit from the commissioned bracelets on MORE beading supplies?  I re-ally want to.

Post-weekend blog

How was the weekend I was dreading? Myeah, it was not horrible.  How's that for an upbeat critique?

Here are some less odious thoughts of the weekend:

I took my mother out to a friend's house, and she was a big hit, as always.  And as my mother told stories about me, I got the regular question: "Wait - so what is your name?"

My first name is not really "Sweet Perfusion"; it is "Old Lady".  Actually my full English name is "Old Lady  Sweet Perfusion  Aurora (Insert LastName Here)".  Whenever I go to the bank or whatever, they ask "This check is made out to Sweet Perfusion, but your i.d. says Old Lady.  Who is Sweet Perfusion?"

"That's me, Old Lady S.P. A." I reply, "Look at the signature,you see, it says Old Lady  Sweet Perfusion."  This doesn't bother me too much anymore, except that I always end up using that poor grammar.  But the more annoying question is "You never wanted to go by Old Lady?"  Well, I had very little to do with it.  My mother, who gave me all my names, called me by the middle name, so that is who I am.  I did try a couple times to get people to call me by my 1st or 3rd name, but it never stuck.  (My Hebrew name is a worse problem, because I have two naming documents, neither of which is exactly what I was called in school, but that wasn't really my mother's doing.)
But here's the kicker - my mother doesn't actually call me "Sweet Profusion", more like Sweepee, so that you would think my name is Sweet Pea, which is a perfectly good name, in fact my cousin's perfectly good name, but not really MY name. 
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My mother is looking old, really old, really old crone caricature old.  She used to be gorgeous - you can see in photos that although she may not have been a "classic beauty", she had such a powerful personality and charm, she was just a knock-out.  And in the photos of her pregnancy, she is just stunning. But motherhood must have taken a lot out of her.  Then, not too far in, she became a single parent, basically alone in the world.  

And I know it is awful, but I am damn scared of becoming this same woman.  The outward appearance is a small part of my specter of  the future (as I said, this post is of the LESS odious thoughts), far from main characteristics I am desperate to avoid , probably because I was never stunning.  But still, the change is drastic, and unnerving, and sad.

Mom wanted to tell me, again, where all her stuff is hidden in her apartment.  I finally told her it is less important to tell me where she has stashed petty cash, and more important to send me copies of insurance or bank statements of holdings, as well as the name of the cemetery where she wants to be buried.  Mainly she has just explained to me why she doesn't want to be buried in my father's hometown.  I guess she thinks I disapprove or feel hurt.  Really, it just makes me nervous, because I don't know anything about her hometown, so I would like to have as much DETAIL as she can give.  "Do you want me to buy a plot now?"
"Hey, no, don't go buying me a cemetery plot before I am dead!"
"Well, what if there are no spaces left?  Do you still want to be in your hometown?" etc.
Then she tells me again about stuff around the apartment, what stuff of mine she has kept, and I respond way to bluntly, that I just mean to get a cleaning service to dump everything and burn it for all I care. (Let me soften that by saying that she, like the wasband, has spent the last 20 years giving me stuff to store.  Pretty much everything that has value to her, including photos, baby-clothes, 2nd-grade report cards, has already come to me. So we both know 99% of what she has now is not of any special significance.)  And she shoots right back with, "Yeah, I don't care what you do with it."

But damn if that isn't scary, in a completely narcissist kind of way:  she will be buried in her hometown, and at least the people she knows now, the people from her senior center, maybe a neighbor or two, maycome to the funeral, and she has a connection to her family who died and were buried there.  But where would I be buried???? I haven't a clue.  I guess where ever my kids want, to make it easier for them, because I have no connections, no one I really want to be buried next to. 
Man, sounds much more morbid and self-pitying then I intended - really, it was just a thought I had, and, again, not a terribly odious one - no name, no hometown, no connections.  My friend even said it this weekend - jokingly - that if I ever wanted to start a new identity, I would have a good head-start.  But hers is not a new thought to me - I already touched on this in a couple recent posts. 

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 Things from the good side from this weekend:

• Serendipitously ended up at a free performance at a local museum, by a very nice Latino string-quartet.  I never knew there was a museum there, or that they had regular musical guests on Sundays. 

• Used my mother's "birthday money" on some fun stuff.  Bought more beads, beads, beads.  And bought some nice yarn. 
• The Wasband actually poked his head into my apartment (literally) to wish my mother "good shabbos", when he dropped off the kids for lunch.  Getting closer to "menchlichtkeit" then in years and years.
• My oldest son was of a generally good humor at the shabbos table.

So, it was okay.  It was not good.  I could still use an actually "happy birthday" feeling or  two.  But I'm through it for this year with few scars, and most of my hair.