There was a time, long ago, when I believed things could be better. Then there was a while when, although I knew I would never be happy, at least things could become satisfactorily "good", so as to make life worth living.
So what happens next, when the past is only painful, but the future can't offer anything better?
Those people who would call themselves my friends would say this is just depression talking. Anyone who really knows me would say this is reality, and I need to adjust myself to reality. I didn't want to hear that message 26 years ago, but I have lost the war, and still I can't take that message today.
I'm tired of trying to fight up hill, to get above the rock-slide. I just want to give in, but do the best I can for others while I am here, because that is what makes me "pleased". I will never have enough money to rise above poor. I will never have courage or cleverness or strength to go to a higher level of status or employment. Maybe at least I can be helpful and virtuous in my own eyes.

Nah.
Maybe I can at least put myself in harms way so as to finish quickly.

Pokemon cake

Just some other stuff I have done with my days recently:

Pokemon birthday cake for Moo. I made the cake, he made the creatures (out of marzipan and a few Wilton edible pearls):

Job Search Ambivalence

I'm not sure exactly how much I'm comfortable posting, since I don't know if I am still have unwanted followers... but anyway:

I'm looking for new employment. I have actually been out of the lab for a year and half now, did I mention? Tried insurance agent at the considerable prompting of the agency owner: I liked servicing clients, and educating them on insurance minutia, but was awful at the sales part. I knew I would be, but it was good to shed some bit of those social anxieties. Then I went back to looking in science, got a great contract position for 3 months with a major Pharma company, loved everything about it except that it was such a terribly long commute, so I didn't even look to continue there. And now I am sitting at home, on LinkedIn again.

Ms. Useful had a great word of advice for me, when I told her about my moderate pace at sending out the resume s: "This is not the time for a marathon, when you get a job is the marathon - this is the time for a sprint!"

I took her advice to heart for a couple weeks, spent any hours almost every day applying for jobs. But the fervor is dying out again. And the void is not filling with anything good.

Well, I did make a few positive thing occur. I called the principal of the local day school, with whom I have developed a good relationship. "I desperately need some structure to my day, and you can always use some volunteered hands. Put me where you think I would be helpful." I now have a regular gig several days per week as teacher's aide for the 1st grade (along with other occasional jobs). I can't believe how much I love it! Especially since I never thought of myself as a teacher. But 1st grade is so wonderful, the kids all still want to learn, and it is so easy to see the difference one can make with an individual child. A friend just suggested that I offer my services to a yeshiva that is trying to start up in town, to shape the science program. (I have been pretty vocal in my opinion that the yeshiva's own advertising seems to set the bar distressingly low for the secular studies.) But I told my friend that I worry that I don't have the qualifications for that role - she responded that I'm better qualified for it then no-one, and I might as well take this time to try to shape the secular program for the better. ??? I need to jump on this before I shy out.

This was written the day after the election...


Don't Mourn, Fight Back  - Mother Jones
Today I freakin' flipped out at one of the men I see as having used me and silenced me these past several years. I must say that, as he was the one to initiate the conversation, he was not argumentative, and withstood my criticisms quite stoically,  and seemed genuinely to take the situation seriously, if not my insistence that his previous dismissals were a major driver of the whole sickening situation.
I'm been under one narcissistic, sociopathic power-mad man's thumb for to long (and dammit, one day is too long), while all stood by and watched. I cannot and will not let it happen again without comment.
Going to the post office today for my passport application, but also need to find out how I can become move politically involved locally and be part of the change. I was silent this whole election season, didn't try to educate, didn't challenge false claims, didn't try to engage my friends. Mea culpa. Not again.

This is still my beautiful blog

short hair

Hey, let's just pretend there hasn't been an extended gap since my last post.

I recently cut my hair very short - short for me anyway. The ponytail are now little one inch things, and sometimes now, I just put on the wig grip, and don't even bother with ponytails. Freeing!

Really, right now I desperately want to sleep, and desperately need to study. Yesterday, my world felt upside down, never to settle back to reality. "How did my life come to this?" I asked Little Miss Inside. To which we both replied "This is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife."

And on that confusing note, I will say good-night, please indulge me because I have missed you, and I will hopefully come back tomorrow with something more coherent, but please, with effort, something as meaningful.

How are you?

I was at a dinner at the shul the other night. I happened to be more inside the kitchen than the dining hall that night, which I think probably put me in a better mood, but not very sociable. So at the end of the evening I finally make some small talk.
"How are you, S.P.?" asks a woman with whom I'm friendly, but not particularly close.
"Thank G-d, I'm okay. How are you?"
"Wonderful!" she said enthusiastically, and I couldn't help but be happy for her.
"Wow, that 's great to see you so cheerful. Something special going on?"
"No, not particularly, but isn't it nice to make someone excited? That is why I am trying to always answer exuberantly."

Now I am usually not one to preach putting a smile one your face to make yourself happy: the "fake it 'til you make it" school of thought.  But as I have said before, I'm usually a smiley person, and I think it is a good quality.  So when I am in a good mood, I had been trying to be as enthusiastic as my friend above.

And I have been in a good mood, which is amazing considering the stressful time this is, choosing a school for my son next year.  I believe I am really coming to accept that the wasband cannot hurt me.  Well, of course he can; maybe more just internalizing that I can go day to day without worrying how he will hurt me. Maybe that sounds extremely weak advancement, but in fact it is a fantastic improvement. And I am concurrently, although slowly slowly, accepting that I can really depend on Heaven to watch over me. Everything looks a little brighter today.  I didn't even hate my job so much, it seemed somewhat hopeful. 

And look at this beautiful thank you gift:

I had been helping a young women with a project for her graduate studies. Her whole family is so good to me, I was thrilled to help. She wrote the most "Whoohoo!" thank you card, I again could not help but be happy for her.  I look at the flowers, and I am happy all over. And as an extra bonus, it helps keep me motivated to keep the apartment a little tidier, so I can enjoy the flowers in peace of mind. Not everyone likes the smell of lilies, but I do - I love everything about lilies.

Yay, happy.

Irony Abounds

I wrote my son last night that I need to dedicate an evening or two per week to no tv or computer solitaire.  Went home to make dinner, bottle of milk fell out of the freezer onto my toe.  Spent the night in bed just reading... and icing the toe with the jug of milk.