Clackers!

Sunday the weather was so nice, but the ground was so wet, that we decided to drive into the city.  After obligatory pizza, we headed to the great toy store.  The line at the register went all the way to the back wall!

"Is something special going on?"

"Just shopping for Purim."

But I found out it wasn't mostly costumes or even candy or trinkets they were buying - it was little fireworks, crackers, caps and such.  Alright, if that is was gets you excited.

Ironically, what was my "must buy" find?  Clackers!

I loved these!  I used to play with my babysitter's pair whenever I could.  And I was pretty darn good, as I remember, for a little kid anyway.

But then they were banned, and when my oldest son was little, I could only get him these lame light balls on sticks:

So how did the toy store come by these great old things?  Are they any safer?  They are still clearly able to be used as a weapon, but are they different material?  more shatter resistant?  I don't know, and I didn't ask, I just grabbed them, bought them, and started clacking away before we even left the city.

So who is the worse mommy: the ladies with all the fireworks, or lady with the clackers?


P.S. The clackers are for ME, not the kids.  The kids are really bad at them, and I'm hoping they get bored of trying before I just have to hide them away.

Tower of Glass

So, pretty pretty good.  I am fairly calm.  I actually have some great news to hopefully share in a week or two (not divorce stuff).  Trying to float over some of the blah: no one came to the last dance party.  Granted, there was a big melava malkah at the shul that night, and the dance was the first "adults only", so the regular teenagers didn't come.  Still it bummed me out.  And I was already on the way down, because my oldest son was in town for Shabbos, and it was all I could do to wring 15 minutes out of him.  But, as I said, I seem to be able to ride most of it out. 

I recently hit upon a great metaphor for my state of mind : I am always on a spectrum of anxiety, as if I were living in a tower of glass. 

I didn't really expect to find a PHOTO for this, maybe just a drawing.  Apparently, the Sears Tower, and maybe some other buildings, have glass observation decks.  And if you have lots of expendable wealth, you can have glass floors in your home.  Some people must find this appealing.  I only find it frightening, disorienting, and nauseating.  Even though I can accept that this flooring may be just as strong and sturdy as wood or cement, or whatever my floors are made of, it would still be terribly unpleasant having to live on it - I could never feel secure.  Maybe I could "get used' to it if forced, meaning I would be able to function in the tower.  But I don't imagine ever being at ease if we were more than a few feet in the air. 

So that's where I am, in my glass tower.  Sometimes I am busy working to try to put in some opaque supports, sometimes the tower gets lower to the ground on its own.  Other times the tower climbs, and my supports are busted loose.  But I live in the tower - I may go out for little trips, but when it is time to go home, that is the only place I have to go, the stomach-churning, anxiety inducing tower of glass.
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I started writing this two nights ago, while getting ready for a big-deal outing with the kids, and friends from out of state.  We planned to go up to the mountains to go snow tubing.  I had traded time with the wasband to get the kids (so he now has my Sunday next chol hamoed Pessach), took vacation from work, bought a load of cold weather gear.  My friend and I cooked lots of good stuff to bring with us.  And then, it snowed.

End of story - the friends, who were staying overnight in the mountains, started earlier, got there, and went on the tubes.  I started 25 minutes later, skidded before I even got out of the city, and saw that I would never make it back last night, even if I made it to the mountains at all.  So we turned around. 

Although it seems perfectly clear that I made the right decision, still, I'm totally bummed.  Why did G-d tease me AGAIN? 

Still, I should be in a happy mood. As I said above,  I have good news, that I don't want to share quite yet.  But I will say that I had a great meeting over the weekend on a business deal.  As I walked out of the meeting I was so happy I could shout - actually did give a little shout once I got in the car.  And then...   

................

..."who can I share this happiness with?"  No one.  I made a phone call to Mrs. Surrogate to say thank you for her prodding.  She was very happy for me...but then the phone call was over in two minutes, and I couldn't think of anyone else to tell.  So I just headed to the laundromat to do my regular 2nd Sunday 4 hrs of laundry.  And then I went home and ate too much, and try to look forward to the tubing trip.

I wanted to say something insightful, but I'm really getting myself too blue.  And I am really blue today.

Poor me, pitiful, pitiful me. Yuck-ola!


Too sum up:  Sad things, glass towers and skidding cars = bad.

Another fabulous movie I hadn't seen before, "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" has everything that those bad Jack Nicholson movies, "As Good As It Gets" (see my review ) and the horrible "Something's Gotta Give", did not have, and with less than half the overt sleaze factor of the latter.  I loved this movie too much. Yes, it had some of the same flaws: ridiculously fast and grand change in some characters, and a somewhat pat ending to some of the story lines.  But since it had several interesting interweaving lines, I found it most satisfying.

So here's my lament: it was so good and happy and hopeful an ending, that I found it depressing on a personal level.  Let's look back at my concluding remarks from the review of "As Good As It Gets":

And here's a kicker I think I was relieved that the ending didn't do much for me - Carol shouldn't end up with Melvin, this is not a beautiful, romantic outcome.  And if she did end up with a perfect guy I would hate it, because it would make me feel even more hopeless and envious..

But I was quite desirous of the final situation of all the characters in "Marigold", so...

"Everything will be all right in the end; so if it is not all right, then it cannot be the end."  What a lovely idea.  So why does it make me cry?

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Stuff I was thinking about, wanted to write a couple weeks ago:

Court is awful. Paying legal fees, worrying whether everything is accurate yet helpful, feeling like your fate is up to the decision of another human, who has never met you before, and only knows an hour or two about your situation.

In reflection, this second time was slightly easier, mostly just for being a 2nd visit. I was more confident which building I needed to reach, knew what I  needed to bring, what to expect.  The bailiff recognized me.

I couldn't get to sleep for hours the night before, even with a shot of mashka.  Thought about what I needed to say, actually wrote down some note cards.  In the end, almost none of it was actually said.  Isn't that always the way with things one thinks to say in the middle of the night?

Wasband looked so vulnerable - couldn't answer questions, or had poor answers.  I so wanted to answer the questions he couldn't - not to help necessarily, probably more to show-off "I know, I know!"  But it was just overwhelming to see him vulnerable; I don't think I've seen him in similar distress for even one hour since I have known him.  Why can't we just work together?!  Why does it always have to be so destructive? 
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 I don't know yet the outcome.  Monetarily, I think only the lawyers will come out ahead.  But maybe I am stronger because of it?  It's not all right, but then, I know it's not the end...

Post Script:  looking back, I apparently  enjoyed "As Good As It Gets", even if not for the plot.  But I guess it was overshadowed by "Something's Got To Give", which I saw a month or so later.  A real stinker.  Who are these casting directors who think Jack Nicholson is so attractive????

Wanna post, but don't have a lot I feel passionate about sharing.

So busy busy busy, pretty pleased with what I have been accomplishing.

In order of importance:

• Organized bi-weekly women's only dance session, made music-mixes and flyers for said event.  Had fun at the first two meetings.  Having fun preparing.  But the FB page got more comments on the flyers than the event!
• Organized Tehillim (Psalms) group at my house, hope to make it a regular monthly event.
• Made a new snood I really like with the new fabric I felt the need to buy.  It looks really good, but not quite large enough, since the lace over-snood is not at all stretchy, but the velour band is almost perfect!
• New beading idea: headbands.  Very happy with first two, but still trying to find perfect elastic banding.
• Lots of baking yesterday morning while it snowed.  Oven is parve, so I can bring this stuff to hosts when I go out.
• Parent Teacher Organization Stuff.
• Other little, normal stuff.
• Annoying normal stuff like laundry and dishes.
• This paper at work, that I thought my boss was gonna write, but she made me do all myself (which is actually a good thing, except that:) I don't want my name associated with it because I think the protocol is so half-***ed, it's just something I jury-rigged after I couldn't get the correct protocol to work for me.

Yeah... here is the latest dance flyer image, that I photographed myself:

I think it is great! but the co-organizer just said, "what are those supposed to be?"  They are little tubes, commonly called ependorf tubes.  I think it is hysterical, and so did the woman down the hall who lent me the 3rd figurine, "best use these were ever put to."  They figurines were a promotional item, that are meant to hold rotor wrenches.  Does the explanation do anything for YOU?

198.8

I don't know how.  No time to post.  But WOOHOO!

Rolling, not Falling, thank you

another "I'm not editing this, I just wanna get it out"

So...let me put it this way:  Every night is a mini horror movie, as I come home from work, tired but chipper, and check the mailbox (ee ee ee ee ee ee).  Oh no, don't look!  Don't go in there!  AAAAHHHHHHH! Suits, petitions, affidavits, claims, aaahhh! no! help!

and I have a mini panic spree, basically calling up a friend and saying "He is even worse"...

and then, I suck it up.  UNBELIEVABLE!  Thank you, thank you God for giving me this balance!

A friend pointed out how down my last post was, so I tried to look objectively at where I am. =  I am amazing, productive, and clear-headed.  Objectively, I am really quite well.  And compared to while I was still with the wasband, it is incredible that I have made such a turn-around. Even with the mailbox of horror.

Okay, I know I can't clear out the past however many months of down blogs.  But in sum, I am doing so well.  My refrain is still "It's all good"  even if sometimes I add "...but I could use some help."

My friend gave me this T-shirt, and I'm taking the message to heart:

But I still finally made a phone call to the doctor to make sure I don't let all this drag me down. 
And I'm going strong with the yogurt and the dancing to keep me in the pink.

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Tangent- something I realized:  A few years back, the wasband saw his clothes were getting tight, so he went on a pretty strict diet and lost the weight right away.  He was a super-grump for the months on the diet, but he stuck it out.  Then he explained how everyone else is so dumb, losing weight is easy, just eat less, no need for "plans" or "schedules" or "points". Don't talk and think about it, just do it.
Yet when it came to saving money, no matter how much I begged, he couldn't (wouldn't) stop spending wads of money every day!  "Just don't buy anything!" I would tell him.  No, our budget had to be analyzed, digitized, cataloged and worked over for hours to explain where the problem was.  "The problem is you indulge every little whim, from daily snacks and videos to clothes to plays to concerts, and spend hours every week looking around amazon. Just stop spending"

Maybe I should be more understanding.  But good food is good.  Buying stuff is just stuff.

Up? Down? Sideways?

It seems like forever since I last posted a real piece.  I don't know how this will turn out, but I'm gonna post as-is to at least say "Hi Y'all", because I miss this (one-way) conversation.
I have been doing pretty well this past month or so - really walloped with disturbing external stimuli, but internally well balanced.  I'm worried that this is turning.  I became so depressed since late last week. Well, not really SO depressed relative to my life in total, but just such a strong feeling of the black cloud rolling in and overwhelming all else.  I hope it is passing, but it is scary to know that I have so little control over it, and so little control over myself, once the mood takes hold.
I took the little ones on a field trip to The City (although not THE CITY), 1 1/2 weeks ago, and made a stop in the Jewish book store, bought Lisa Twerski's I'm So Confused, Am I Being Abused? because it is the only practical guide to frum divorce I have ever seen.  But, of course, I read the parts I didn't strictly need (as I live in a no-fault divorce state) about proving grounds for divorce.  Maybe I do need it for beis din, I dunno. Anyway, started again to catalog in my head all the badness that has passed, although didn't write it down.  I did once compile a very comprehensive list, immediately before leaving, but I either lost it, or wasband found it, and so I really should re-compile it.  So I just made myself upset for nothing.  Meanwhile, as I alluded to above, I have really been shocked by the tactics the opposing party is using in court (ooh, "opposing party", kinda good alternative to wasband, doesn't trigger spell check, although not as comprehensive a term).  Truly outrageous.  I went back on the rampage to all the leaders of the Jewish communtiy "See! See what kind of person we are dealing with?! Will you help NOW?  I got (surprisingly!) more supportive responses, but still mainly qualified with "I'm not sure how much I can help this situation." Still have one more person I am debating about speaking to, someone who has not shown any real impetus to help me in the matters at hand.
So this shabbos and Sunday, I couldn't shake these blues.  And then I remembered at about 1:00pm "I have a wedding I'm supposed to be at today!! Where is that invitation!?  When is it? is it today? did I already miss it?"  Found invitation, kabbalos panim (guest to start arriving) called for 5pm - super quick finished laundry (now have 3 baskets of clean wrinkled clothes now, because I had no time to fold anything, just dump in basket and run out of laundromat), go to work to print out directions to the wedding hall 1 hr. away, shower, pick out clothes (thank Goodness I had something clean and nice I had totally forgotten in the back of the closet), make-up, dress, shaitel (wig), in the car, off I go.  And I had a WONDERFUL time.  Really felt happier to attend this wedding then any I can think of in a long time!  Also, socialized, got amazing compliments on my appearance and danced, danced, danced.  Whoo I danced.  And felt happy, happy.
and when I woke I this morning...I could barely get out of bed against that weight from my black cloud.
Also because results at work are not what my P.I. had hoped for, and her first reaction is to share her displeasure...

Tangent: I get that "WOW! is that you?!" to wig and make-up every time, because, frankly, I look like a dump much of the time these days.  It is hard to get dolled up for no one in particular, except when I get into those "Uch, I'm tired of looking like a schlump"-modes, which never last too long.  It often reminds  me of this terrible TV show from the '80s, with Ted Knight, called Too Close For Comfort.  In one episode the bombshell daughter Sara is applying to move up from weather-girl to co-anchor on the local news show.  Her competition is dismissed as a blah-looking woman who always seems to be ill - let's call her Marlene.  So at the camera trial, this Marlene shows up stunning: all done-up (and apparently on efficient antihistamines and/or caffeine), and everyone asks Sara "THAT'S Marlene?!"  I'm not interested enough to look it up myself, but if for some reason one of you finds a youtube link, let me know.