Didn't mean to go here..same old, same old

Okay, here is one of my ugly big secrets...I find no joy in any Jewish holidays.  Or any secular holidays, or any any-holidays for that matter.  But It is the dull thud of the Jewish holidays that carries, in addition to the depression, the fear of stigma.  It's like a grade school child, who raises no eyebrows for saying "I hate math," but can't admit "I hate recess," without being labeled 'odd'.  (BTW, guess which way I went in grade-school.)

This all comes down to my same old rant:  as a child, I saw what all my friends had that I did not, comforted myself with the assurance "You will make it so for yourself and your children when YOU are the parent," and I did not live up to my own expectations.

I have been trying for the past few years to make a small party of friends on Chanukkah, since there isn't any family close enough to be willing to schelp out to my (our) tiny place for one night.  I don't even know if there will be occasion for that little party this year.  We will see.  I have so much catch-up to do at work, and I missed my oppurtunity to do laundry last night, since I had to wait until shabbos was over to light candles, and then to sit with the chanukkah candles, and by then, it was unlikely I could make the cut-off for 'last loads' at the laundry-mat.  On the upside, I did have a very fun time playing Scribblish

with friends (great game for a mix of adults and kids of reading age!) And today I have another party with friends, and a party at the shul I miiiight go to (mainly for the Chinese buffet).  So I'm not just dumping and saying to hell with it.  But honestly, the feeling of 'gratitude and joy for the miracles of long ago' is just not there.  I would rather have the time to fix up my graphs at work, and paint my kitchen, instead of sitting by the menorah.

I have been thinking about a young woman I ran into last week.  I used to see her fairly often, walking with her husband around the neighborhood.  "I haven't seen you for awhile," I said, assuming this was true because I had been out of the neighborhood for the past year.
"No, I haven't been around, I moved back with my parents."
Oh...So, I am trying to make benign sympathetic small talk, while she tells me all her circumstances.  And she tells me, among the rest "I have decided not to be orthodox for now."
Now, this is a very young woman, and I will give her some slack in the semantics of her statement, and the apparent depth of thought, so I am no longer considering her case in the post.  But for MYSELF, the concept of "deciding" not to be orthodox seems hollow.  Deciding not to "act" orthodox is a clear deal, with several obvious reasons; the two biggest being:
1) you don't believe the orthodox vision life, the universe, and everythign to be true, or
2) even though you do believe orthodox Judaism to be correct, you don't want to follow the laws.
I know, I know these are huge categories.  And included in the first would be the person, who just never thinks deeply about it at all, people who think that all branches of major religions have got it wrong, etc, etc, etc.  Right now, I hope that I am still following the laws properly, and not going slack.  I am occasionally into the first group, maybe often, when I look at the state of Orthodox Judaism of the 21st century.  But I remember a sermon given by Rb. Ilon Feldman, many years ago.  I can't remember anything, except the conclusion: "Many people rationalize  'well, I believe in God and torah, but I just can't follow all the commandments, that's not me.'  So what will be, when you fianlly go to heaven after 120 years?   The ministering angles will ask 'Did you keep the torah commandments?'
'No.'
'And why not?'
'Because that is not who I was.  I was a sinner.'  Is this the answer you want to give?"

Okay, as I keep saying, I'm not a good orator, so it comes out sounding shallow and flimsy.  But to me, it is powerful.  Anyway, I keep slogging along, because I really do believe it is the right thing to do, and somehow is fulfilling SOMETHING good for me and the universe, and really I want to please God the way one wants to please a friend or parent or some other allegory, but still the connection feels very slack.

Okay, I gotta get back to my laundry.

Quick old fogey Rant

Today when I came into work, I saw a whole bunch of out-of-service terminals, with a sign on each, explaining that the hospital has discontinued its "Electronic self check-in" system, in order to provide more personal service, yada, yada.  Thank goodness.  I don't care why they did it (my guess would be numorous mistakes and the extra man-hours of floaters to help the people "self-administering"), I am just happy to see the change.  I work in a cancer hospital, so the people coming in are usually older, and no one can be in a great state of mind coming for cancer treatment, so why make them go through this stupid puzzle of trying to fill out their own admission forms? 
I hate computers, have I mentioned?  I am old, and poor, and do not have internet connection at home, and I can never get phone numbers anymore, because the phone books have been put out of business, I guess, and have no way to reach people I don't already have listed in my phone, and often end up calling people out-of-state to ask, "will you look up a number for me?" 
There are other things too:  I can't find movie listings.  I can't just order things by phone, because there are no operators for some of these on-line-businesses.  Blah blah blah, but they all pale next to the phone-number hassle.
That's all - I guess I'm just waiting for the pendulum to swing back toward "faces" vs. wi-fi.

stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff...

So I am starting to get personalized junk mail again, as in credit card offers, cable ads and catalogs (although the solicitations for charitable organizations haven't found me yet, and all my donations have gone out locally, leaving little trail).  The x-finity and citibank envelopes go straight in the trash, but I kinda' missed the catalogs, I think I'm actually going to request some more.
So my mother has been asking what I want for chanukkah, and what the kids would want.  My mother and I have completely opposite tastes, and I have generally asked her not to get me anything for the past few years.  This past year I could say it outright, with the "explanation," I have NO ROOM, please don't get me anything, just get consumables for the kids.  So now, she sends me money - which is worse than nothing, in my mind.  I end up just putting it in my purse and spending it on groceries or whatever, and have to fudge to her about some fun way I spent it.
So I was looking at the housewares catalog I got yesterday, thinking what stuff would make a good gift to request.  My mother's senior center often goes out to places with housewares stores, and Mom really likes to shop there, so if I can, I try to request some goof-proof kithchen item.  But here is (one of) the reasons we can't make each other happy with gifts.  I would overwhelmingly prefer a gift of $30 gloves or scarf than a $30 coat (or a $30 knife to a $30 food processor).  A $30 coat is generally going to be in the garbage within a month, and I will never feel happy wearing it - that is why I still have my leather varsity jacket (which my mother hates).  I can't afford a new coat that I like, so I would rather wear my 20-year old "vintage" coat than a Value City new coat.  My mother understands this in theory.  She always praises this thinking by telling me, "Yes, my father always said 'better to see one play than 10 movies.'"  But she just doesn't really feel it.  I guess we are both really cheap, but she is more "fun", and I am more stuffy.  She doesn't-like-to-spend-a-lot, so she buys lots of little cheapo stuff.  I a-lot-don't-like-to-spend, so I just don't spend.
So, here is the post I wrote last week, but never got to finish:

I think manic season has worn down, mostly due to physical limitations.  The previous week of interstate, early-morning celebrations, return to dance class, and intense late-night beading, plus some kinda low-grade infection leading to flare-up of arthritis, has left me sore and tired.  Whereas, I had a hard time getting to bed before 1am for the past couple weeks, I am now hurriedly slogging (now there's an oxymoron) through the dishes and abbreviated tidying to get in bed by 10pm.

And yet, I am in a very good place emotionally - very satisfied with what I have, where I am.

I was especially thinking about this today, as I tried to straighten before I left the apartment.

Apparently last week I didn't have any great desire for any stuff (although I really want to decorate, do plan to paint the walls, etc, but more on that later), and I actively thought about it as I looked around.  But now I want.  Even without a TV or newspapers, I saw the Black Friday ads, and I WANT. 

So was this thought clear?  Or do I just come off as an ungrateful snob? Or both?

Righteous Indignation

About a year ago, I finally asked for a surrogate mother.  I went to the older, well-respected women in whom I confided, in whose house I took refuge, who was one of the mediators when I still trying to work out the marriage.  Even though we were already close, I asked for a further step.
      "I am jealous of these other women who tell me about their surrogate parents, the people who guided them in their journey toward a greater religious life, and became close enough to consider as family.  So I went to Jewish day-school!  I still need someone to go to for religious advice, intimate advice, general clarity and support!"
      "Let me be that person," she answered on cue.
I haven't been good about following up and really strengthening the relationship in a filial manner.  We are friends, close friends, but I don't run to her, or even speak to her, all THAT often.

This weekend, I received an insulting proposition.   It was somewhere between a high school student asking his principal out to the movies, and the homeless man camping outside Sears yelling out "Hey, hot mama, wanna share my blanket?"  I got a phone call from a third party, letting me know that a certain man, whom she does not know well, asked if I was "available".  I am well acquainted with this man, and this was completely inappropriate!  In so many ways!  The initial shock left me with only a flustered response "Just tell him I'm not divorced."

Oh no, what now?  Who can help me?  After several poor ideas, the answer hit.  I ran to my surrogate mother.
       "I got a call from 'Jane' yesterday.  Her husband was approached by 'Plony', asking...if I am available."
       "OH MY GOD!"  dial, dial, dial.  "'Mr. Surrogate', go find 'Plony' right now, and tell him not to ever approach 'Sweet Profusion' again.  Tell him that she is not interested in seeing him socially, it is not happening now or ever in this life time." "Nebach..."

Let me tell you, I don't think anything this year has boosted my self-esteem the way that mother's righteously indignant "OMG!" did.

Feeling just great.  Exhausted, but great.  I have gotten lots of  complements on the jewelry, even from total strangers, like the cashier at the quickie-mart.  I will again have a full table for shabbos dinner, including all my kids.  I hope to get back to a dance class tonight, after a year's hiatus.  I attended a bris on Monday and a bar mitzvah today, so I heard torah reading both Mon and Thurs for the first time probably since high school.  My intern is really moving on my pet project at work, woohoo, ready for cloning.  I even have a little gift for the wasband as a belated birthday surprise (don't worry, it's just a barmitzvah coffee mug, since he couldn't make it, and some cocoa-butter for his hands, which, like mine, crack terribly every winter).   I do have some insights on minyan attendance (as in, I wish I went regularly again, it's so much better than praying alone at home, but I just gotta save it for after the chanukkah bazaars.

Okay, if you would participate in a survey, take a look at the jewelry pictures here and here.  What do you think I should charge?  The simplest pieces can now be made in about an hour, but the complex ones may take up to 10 hours.  So I need it to be worthwhile for me, but I want to know what people are willing to pay. I have also now made a bunch of these

but with the toggle clasps. 

To anyone who gives me come input, I will gladly give you some sort of discount when I open the Etsy store.

Manic is much better

Sorry all for the sparse posting this month, I'm trying to set up an etsy site for the bracelets, etc.   Also I couldn't think of much to post.

After a short, boring, moderately-depressed period, I'm definitely manic again.  Unfortunately, I don't translate this energy efficiently into the projects I need to do - like cleaning and cooking for shabbos.  I spent a lot of time working on the jewelry.  Last night, I did go grocery shopping, made fish burgers, marinated mushrooms, cooked squash, potatoes, put away laundry, washed dishes, beaded half a small bracelet.  Okay, not too bad.

In the car this morning, I listened to the Rimsky-Korsokov production of Flight of the Bumblebee, a very short piece.  At the end, I laughed and laughed, just as if I saw a favorite scene from a comic movie I hadn't watched in a while.  Wasn't that a pleasant way to start the day?  It's no surprise that when I read today's Cakewrecks, I had tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks. 

I need to go get some veggie-turkey deli to make wontons.

I don't post political on FB

...but I was very tempted to by this article.  Friend and family ask how I can oppose strict abortion laws.  "I don't want to give the state the right to mandate my religious practice."  But, as I have said before, I am a poor debater.  Here is an article from the Huffington Post to explain better than I ever could.  Why would you think conception by rape would be the only sticky issue?! 
 
Baruch Hashem!  I was never forced to make such a decision.  But situations come to us, not only according to our request.  When it comes to government power, we all have to take seriously the "is it right?" concern, not just "this doesn't effect me personally".  I have similarly tried over and over to debate privacy policy.  People answer "But I have nothing to hide."  Well, lucky you!  How about if the federal government decides to make an equivalent to Megan's Law for abortions, so if you are evil enough to choose not to have a late term miscarriage, it will be announced publicly to warn you neighbors?  We should probably include all those recorded "spontaneous" abortions too - after all it's still labeled an abortion.  Then I would be on the list.  Maybe we should just avoid going in to the OBGYN all together.

Oh, think this is terribly rare, not worth muddying the argument with it?  Here is an unfortunately similar post
 from a friend, who decided to go public with her story to build awareness.