A zoom meeting, in verse

 

The newlyweds give me the best news a parent can receive

and I have nothing to respond.

I sit silent, deadpan, as her mother asks

“Do you know what that picture is?”

 

“Yes,” and I suppose I change to a pleased expression,

blurt out some benign comment.

The chatter through the computer speaker returns,

While the screen shifts from that iconic, indecipherable wedge of black and white.

 

I am not there.

I am watching from far, too far away,

Miles and years and lives away.

 

I suppose I could have reprised my expression of four months ago.

That day that I kept too busy to be so self-absorbed.

I sat with the girl who takes, and yet returns my son,

Greeting strangers and friends “what a blessing this is.”

 

In my tailored gown, black gloves and shaped eyebrows

I filled my head with vanity, better than envy.

Danced and clapped and enthused through my mask

for the lively couple, glorying in their evening, stark in their black and white.

 

The crooked, overwide, plastered-on smile,

appears once, and again, and once more in the wedding albums.

They are handed out now, mine still miles and hours away.

 

The uncles-to-be are proud and excited in their role.

Their family is growing,

Bringing more connections and tiny spirits to touch

soon: “Do you know whose little toe this is?”

 

How can one be so jealous of her child? I would do anything

for them, but still I want more, I want mine.

My closest friends whisper “Happy, happy, it should all be good!”

Because they don’t live in disappointments, in black and white.

Yummy is good, right?

 

Last night I got home from work followed by shopping and not finding what I wanted and in a bit of a funk, so I wanted to cook something a bit special, something fun.  In the refrigerator I had beautiful eggplants that I had bought just the day before. I sliced the eggplant, salted the eggplant, breaded the eggplant, fried the eggplant, packed away half in wax paper, and placed the other half in a baking pan with tomato sauce and cheese to bake.

Po came home after a very long day at school. “Did you eat dinner yet?”

“I just had a snack; there is eggplant in the oven for dinner.”

“Woah, thank you, looks great. What is this stuff in the bowl?”

“Oh, that’s leftover raw egg, to make the eggplant.”

“There’s egg in the eggplant??”

“To batter the slices.”

“You battered the slices??”

“… Are you just being comical? YES, I battered the slices, I fried the eggplant, I baked it with sauce and cheese and spices. That’s how you cook eggplant.”

“When I make eggplant, I just cut it, smear with pizza sauce and cheese, and bake…”

 

So he starts eating while I am occupied elsewhere. I came back to find a couple small slices left in the pan. They were yummy.

I told Po there is still more fried eggplant in the ‘fridge, if he wants to have some more.

When I clean up before bed, I see all the eggplant is gone except one small, lonely slice.

I think to myself, “What happened? I did nothing this evening except cook this eggplant, and it’s gone, I have nothing to show for it. What a waste!”

But as I thought about it this morning, that’s a foolish, misleading way to think about it. Maybe I wanted some leftovers, but the eggplant is gone because it was GOOD, Po enjoyed it, it was consumed. A true waste would be if it was bad, and no one wanted much, and it stayed in the refrigerator until it went moldy. Neither would it have been good to make huge quantities of this oily delicacy; it’s really much better in moderation – I would have been annoyed if Po and I had gluttonous amounts over several meals.

“You should be proud and pleased,” I thought. And for a few pleasant moments I was, as I had my toast and coffee for breakfast… but that is another story for another day.

Early Blooms

 This beautiful amaryllis blooms every year in front hallway at work. In most things aesthetic, I go for delicate and understated, but I just love big bold showy flowers. I love all those big bulb flowers: lilies, irises, hyacinth, gladiolas. And hedge roses, magnolias, hibiscus, anemones, poppies. Okay, I could go on and on. (Maybe I should go into botany so I can play with flowers all day. I have no idea what kind of research is done in botany.) I was recently helping design flower arrangements for a special event, and the woman of the day said she wanted bright, happy pastels. I thought about what flowers fit that description, and searched for "bouquet coral ranunculus chrysanthemum snapdragon." 

 So lovely...sigh. When I go to the produce market and pick out flowers, they rarely have such a wide selection, and I would have to get at least 10 different types to make anything so varied. But I can dream.

The only way I remember the name "amaryllis" is from the character of the Mayor's daughter in The Music Man. Also, the only way I remember lobelia is from Bilbo Baggins' cousin. 

That's a good car game - name all the flowers you can think of that are women's names. Or just name all the flowers you can think of.

Yeah, it's true, I like science.

 I'm taking 2 classes this semester: 

Pathological Aspects of Disease, a survey course of pathology.

Principles of Career Management - Diverse BioMedical Careers, in which the great majority of the students are trying to figure out what careers they want to pursue other than physician or laboratory investigator.

I was somewhat hesitant to take pathology - I really don't like disturbing, icky images. But I was very interested in learning the causes and manifestations of disease. So far all my courses have been mostly focused on microbiology, so I was interested to take a class that was focused on systemic clinical issues.

 Like almost everything else, classes this year have not been as fun or engaging as previously because it is all online. The Pathology class is at the worst end of the spectrum (for me, anyway) - pre-recorded lectures, several online "discussion questions" per module, and a very fluid assignment schedule, where everything just needs to be turned in before corresponding midterm or final exam.

As I was doing the self assessment exercises for the Career Development class, I began to question whether I had a serious desire to stay in the realm of biology at all. Classes were soooo boring. I have to really force myself to get through the lectures - shouldn't I find the subject more fulfilling to keep it as my CHOSEN career, not just the one I fell in to. Should I even continue pursuing degree in biomedical sciences? 

Then yesterday we finally had a live zoom meeting to review for exam. 2 straight hours of clinical vignettes. It was so much fun, I just loved it! It reminded me of a friend who describes several games as her favorites because they "tickle that certain entertainment part of my brain." I can't explain why, just really enjoy a true biology lesson. I left the class really excited to take the exam and continue with the course. Now I need to find a way to carry that excitement through another half semester of pre-recorded lectures. I did get a study partner, although she is not currently in the same class, but she said she would appreciate reviewing the subject and vocabulary. And I need to interact with the prof more often, even if it makes me look like a toady groveling for grades.

So now I have two subject that interest me: pathological aspects of disease AND psychology of live human interaction in engagement and learning. I'm sure there's a ton that has been written about the latter topic recently. Unfortunately, it will probably have to wait quite a while before I can get to it.

So much science, so little time...