Going it Alone Really Is the Worst

205.6  Stalled

In a post one or two Pesachs ago, I said that the hardest part was having to run all the errands by myself.  A close friend had the reaction, "Oh, that sounds good.  Things must be going really well, if the HARDEST part is having to run the errands yourself."  She really thought I was making an optimistic comment.

No.  It really is a tremendous psychological pressure, at least for myself and other single mothers I know, to know that you must be responsible for EVERYTHING.  There is no chance to take a break, to ask someone else "can you handle stuff today?"  There is no one to bounce ideas, anxieties, set-backs.

I got some similar responses to Monday's "It's Summer" post.  I thought that was a terribly depressing post - I was certainly depressed when I wrote it.

I had some divorce business to attend to this week.  I desperately wanted to call someone to hold my hand during.  But I didn't; who would I call?  I mean, I have some wonderful friends, but I can't see anyone finding a baby-sitter for her kids, just so she can sit in my apartment while I search for all correspondence from my lawyer, or come over for 10 minutes to support me while I open an envelope.  Or even to go to court for a support hearing.  But it does seem like something a mother or maybe a sister would do. Yes?  No?  I don't know.  But it really pains me terribly often, and is usually the last straw, placed on top of whatever anxiety of the day, that breaks me. 

Anyway, I also seem not to be much influenced by the embarrassment of publicly printing my weight.  Too anonymous maybe? 

Blah.

Day 15

205.6

Maybe yesterday I just had a lot of inflammation from sunburn, swimming, who knows?  Or maybe this morning I was just dehydrated.  But today was awful, and I had to get outside for a while, so I went to get a doughnut and iced coffee.

Someone said I don't look 200+.  Well, this is what 200+ looks like...

I should be so much more embarrassed.  Come on S.P., aren't you disgusted?  Stop it with the doughnuts!  Stop with the late night snacking.  Go home and do some dishes!

Okay.

And It's Summer Time Again

207.2

...which has proven to be a terrible time of year.  Again, I am fighting and crying and feeling so anxious, I can barely think straight. (So don't be too hard about the stagnant weight loss - I don't have strength for that everyday.*) Divorce, custody, school, camp, money, in-laws, illness TOO MUCH! I CAN'T HANDLE IT!

A friend posted on FB asking if anyone wanted to go with her to the beach on Sunday.  I jumped, "MUST GO BEACH!"  I would've jump no matter what the circumstances, I love the beach, but I also just needed a break, to be with friends, doing something fun this weekend.  But so sad: for the first time ever, we arrived at the shore, and I was not bouncy, twinkling happy.  I just have too much on my shoulders, on my mind, on my heart to be bouncy or twinkling.  What has happened, that even the ocean cannot bring me back to life?

I crawled into bed last night, sometime after 1:00am, after a day at the beach, and an evening doing four big baskets of laundry.  I hoped that all the physical activity, plus hours of TV and pencil puzzles and beading would have worn me out enough that I would instantly fall asleep, that I could avoid the anxieties chase each other around my head.  But as physically exhausted as I was, the worries continued to dance around, until I finally called out, " Please G-d, I can't do this anymore. Please stop this.  I am weak, and I just can't stand anymore."  And I felt a little ping in the back of my head - like the "ping" when my water broke with my easiest labor;  like the little knuckle crack in your back after sleeping all scrunched; like a physical, small break.  And the anxieties quieted.  I can't explain it.  Maybe G-d answered right away, with a rare, straight-forward 'request granted'.  And maybe I'm just physically breaking, more quickly and permanently.  Maybe both.

Anyway, I got out of bed this morning, did a considerable amount at the lab today, just called another lawyer for a consultation = another $250, but HOPEFULLY moving toward... divorce, closure, financial clarity (if not stability)?????  I don't know, but I guess it is something to be pleased about or proud about...okay, losing focus, rambling, blahblah.

For what it's worth, I am still happy I got to the beach, had a good time.  But it was the first time I have been to the Jersey shore since hurricane Sandy; no boardwalk, no Ferris-wheels in the distance; weird, empty, spooky.

* I didn't even touch any of the chocolate truffles placed RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME at the shabbos table, didn't eat any candy at all, ate modest portions.  And I really needed comforting.  How could that not be worth more weight loss???

Day 12

204.8

Man, I certainly never intended this to be a diet blog. I really do mean to post real stuff again in the near future.  Summer is just difficult in terms of free time.  Ironic.

Day 8

206.4
don't Know how that happened after a rainy shabbos indoors all day.
but I know pre- and post- fasting binging will make some blip.
Got a family wedding to go to Aug 4.  Will this make any difference?  Possibly...but I know I won't be feeling anything good.

But yes, I'm pleased.  Washed all the dishes and lost 3 lb.  Yay, go me!

Day 5

Still 208.0

Yesterday was a very busy, taxing day, so I didn't do any formal exercise, and let myself snack.

The exercising I'm doing are muscle strengthening for my chronic back pain, not aerobic stuff.  I need to get out and literally run around more often.  It just doesn't seem to ever work, time-wise to walk to work.

Day 3

208.8

Actually it wavered between 208.8 and 208.0.  I'm beginning to suspect the scale only gives results in increments of 0.8lb. 

I'm feeling queasy from yogurt again, and I hurt my back installing an air conditioner in  my window.  But tomorrow is camp. Yay! Built an unstable kite (balsa wood is TOO weak for kites!)  It looks like the weather is going to be all back and forth again tomorrow, so I'm not sure whether we will be able to both build and fly this week. 
Okay, I'm not going to update everyday, unless I have other stuff to post, but I need to do it often enough to motivate myself.  Sorry if it's boring.  If the title is just "Day*", it will probably be a boring, update post.

since you came, here's a picture similar to a kite I bought forr a ridiculously modest price from 10,000 Villages - that is a great store

Day 2

208.8
I know this difference is completely meaningless - one day, less then 1 lb, well within the margin of normal fluctuation - just let me be happy you party poopers!
But I'm not because I hate my wasband so much.  He destroys my day with one email.  I hate him.  doesn't matter what it's about, he just destroys my life.  I hate him.  And I hate myself for letting him have so much power over my mood.  And I hate him.  Arrogant, self absorbed, idiotic, lazy filth.  Let me just be with my children and enjoy them you sicko!

I really shouldn't have moved back to the old neighborhood.  And I wonder how many of the people who congratulated me for making "the right move" really knew all the time how bad it would be...

As If I Hadn't Already Given Too Much Information

Yesterday I bought a scale.

This morning, without shoes but fully clothed, I weight 209.6.

That is repulsive.  But I'm not too depressed just now. 

One thing I know is that I am MUCH happier, when I am losing weight, or maintaining an "acceptable" weight. But oh! even when I have lost 20lbs, I will still be 190!  Yarg!

Anyway, let's see how well it works to embarrass the fat into leaving.

Climbing Back Up

I can't say why I am feeling better this week.  It's mostly chemical I guess.  See, now this is the time I should be looking for a psychiatrist, when I am able to handle the pressure, but the Catch-22 is I don't have the proper motivation to put the energy or resources into it.

Anyway, I wanted to say that I am feeling better, but, unfortunately, not nearly as creative, so I don't have much to say. 

One little thing that I noticed, that seems to be a paradigm of the troubles faced by public schools (although this isn't actually about schools):
I have been searching for good low-cost activities for kids over the summer.  I checked out the local libraries' offerings.  The suburban libraries have all kids of good programs I actually plan to attend - magicians, authors, films, puppet shows, etc.  The city libraries have no funding, and are desperate to just give kids an alternative to the hot streets, so theirs are mostly lame programs I will not be attending - "surprise" daily art projects (like paper-plate suns, tissue paper teddy bears), and video games, and not much else.  So sad.  And I suppose this is the librarians' fault?  Meanwhile, as I was doing ALL my laundry at the laundromat this morning, I see a commercial, during NASCAR, recruiting people to become teachers.  They couldn't really give any reasons why this would be a good choice, except that we really, really need you.  Sad.

Blah blah blah.

It's hot.  I'm not so depressed.  Teachers receive an absurd amount of flack they don't deserve from inside and outside the system.  I guess that's about it for now. 

 I'm also gonna take the kids to a local pet store to visit the two headed turtle.  Here is a picture of a different, but very similar, turtle pair.