How to let go?

The wasband gave me a reprieve over Passover from the constant barrage of "more stuff".  But this week, he again emptied bags and boxes of mostly garbage onto the sidewalk next to my car (he carries it around with him so he can do this whenever he finds me, no kidding).  I did point out, fairly calmly, the boxes of true junk equally owned by the two of us, and told him I would not be responsible for disposing of it.  But the bag of clothes - obviously old run-down stuff he finally picked up from the laundry room floor, as he cleaned for/from Passover - I accepted, along with some assorted odd-and-ends from the garden - which was definitely MY project, as explained previously . Actually, I didn't so much "accept it", as slump down like I had lost all muscle control and start to cry.  Then I threw the stuff in the car, and drove off without doing any of the chores I had planned.  I went home and ate and ate and ate (luckily it was mostly the produce I have left from the holiday), and watched hours of videos.

I went back to the 1st season of Frasier, and the end of the very first episode clearly reflected my situation.  The finish of the pilot episode features a call from a woman (voice of Linda Hamilton) who broke up with her boyfriend eight months ago (*eight months ago!) but cannot stop grieving.  Frasier shares the "Lupe Valez" anecdote, telling the woman that she is in mourning for "what she thought her life would be," and advising her that she needs to "let it go."
 

Okay, this is obviously good advice, as far as it goes, but HOW DOES ONE LET GO?  HOW DO *I* LET GO?  It doesn't just happen because you say it will, anymore then the average person can just lose weight but saying "okay, now I will lose weight."  The clearest answer to both is "get yourself good professional help."  But at the moment I haven't the time or resources...

I'm gonna stop here.  I not really that bad, most of the time.  But it is still too hard sometimes, and I am really bad at giving up ideals - a topic for another day.  Right now I have to pick up the videos the libraryis holding for me.

Finding My Voice

In college, there was a guy (one of the most conceited people I ever met, incredibly knowledgeable, and eventually a good friend) who had a bad way of interrupting me often. One day I got fed up and said "That's it, I'm not speaking anymore today." And everyone around us laughed. "You not speak? You can't keep that up for even one hour." And I was shocked - this was how they saw me. And I was even more shocked when I realized how true it was that I had so utterly changed from just the few month before when I was in high school.

I was shy and quiet as far back as I remember, quiet and shy throughout elementary school, and terribly depressed and frustrated in high school, felt terribly alone, and really was pretty much alone. I really did consciously spend entire days not speaking, waiting to see if anyone would react. Everyone liked me, I think, but I was just easy to overlook, which became a vicious cycle, becoming more unhappy and withdrawn, and therefore more invisible.

College started great, I can't say why; I guess I just started out more visible, therefore became more extroverted, and therefore more visible (and audible). But it proved to be very unstable and dependent on outside factors. A friend came to stay with me at "home" over winter vacation. After a couple days, she asked,"are you feeling unwell?" "No, I'm fine, why?" "You're so quiet, it's bizarre." "...I guess that is just what happens to me as I get closer to the Atlantic Coast."

Well, I don't know if there is really some geologic epicenter of my silence, but I am now physically somewhere between the state of my birth and the state of my undergrad education. My metaphysical position of verbosity is now somewhere in between as well, roughly correlating with the above.

So, when people ask me common polite questions, such as, "How are you?", "How was your weekend?", the answers tend more towards, "Fine...and you?". This is especially true if I am actually doing poorly. I may tend toward whiny, but in general, I am not a complainer.

But the Badass came out again when I was back in the old neighborhood over the holiday.  And this time, it was not just in a dream.  I was having such an utterly horrible time, I wanted to shout it out to the entire community.  So when people politely asked "How is your holiday going?",  I answered, "Really, really awful." while looking them full in the eye.  I think several people were sure they misheard me, as they just smiled, and kept walking.  The rest gave me some short condolences, then tried to give me a little lesson on how to keep a proper perspective. Only one person (ironically, the husband of a couple I just recently met) had anything helpful to say - basically, "You're sad, I'm sorry, it's hard. We would really like to spend time with you if you would like."

Was it better to speak up?  I'm not sure...Let me think about that, and I'll try to get back to you.

something's coming

don't know when
but it's soon
catch the moon
one handed catch...

so don't give up on me.
in the mean time, the dirty laundry keeps expanded, will probably have do some with the boys in tow.

Still around, just exhasted...

...so I haven't had a chance to write - it's a shame, I had lots of ideas.

Probably won't have a proper post for a couple weeks. But I am feeling tremendously satisfied: ready for Passover, and did it all by myself, with only one major breakdown, when I let the kids play with my phone while running errands, then got home and realized the phone was left somewhere along the day's travels.

copy of FB post:
Lost my phone somewhere along the many stops last evening. Freaked, kept babbling and asking G-d for a miracle. So torqued, stayed up, finished the kitchen cleaning - b'li eyin harah, ready to kasher tonight (well, early Thurs morning)- never ready this early before! Great quote from friend -"We talk about the 'finger' of G-d, 'hand' of G-d; you got the 'boot' of G-d. There is my miracle?;)

got my phone back fairly easily. While kashering stove, only distuction was melting the knobs, and I'm pretty sure I can replace those at Home Depot.
I liked kashering the sink, counters; that was always the wasband's job.