Thoughts on...ya'know

I really wanted to post about purim costumes, because I wanted to put up some great old pictures of my little guy.
then I wanted to post about my little guy's reaction to this collection of Canadian animated shorts.
then I wanted to post amore about the Augusten Burroughs book, and about dieting.
But what I REALLY wanted to post about was my dream from last night...which leads back to that same subject I keep teasing you with...guys, guys, guys. 

So my "Dating" thoughts several weeks ago were about how to describe my failed marriage to any potential new suitors.  This subject must come up quickly, no?  I know I would ask.

The proper answer to give most people (not that there are so many people at the moment who need ANY answer) is we see the world completely differently, too differently to work together.  This is completely true, this is why the marriage failed, this is what I tell the children.  Not that I did this, or he did that, but we are just completely incompatible.  But clearly, some more detail is needed on a date. 

So that is the completely unexciting thoughts I wanted to write up...but not now.

The dream:  Can't remember much of anything, except being out on the sidewalk, feeling depressed and anxious about some vague future event, and the wasband saying all the right things to make me feel loved and protected and hopeful and loving.  Except, of course, I realized after I woke, that the "dream-man" was not the wasband at all - just someone with a very similar face, but completely different thoughts, emotions, desires, attitudes, and better style in clothes.

I changed my FB profile today, back to an old picture - an engagement photo actually, that the wasband worked with the photographer to get the way he imagined.  I want to look great again.  Even just for me.  And then I could be happy and pretty for everyone.

Saturday Night Out

 http://pooroldshine.wordpress.com/

Took oldest son out to a concert last Saturday night.  The venue was this teeny space inside a house in a quiet neighborhood, down the street from his friends' house.  When I asked my son if he wanted to go, he asked, "Have you seen that place?  It's just a house!"
"Yes, I've been to a performance once or twice - it's a real theater, just very tiny."

The band performing was "Poor Old Shine," who describe their music as Roots/American.  There were some standards mixed with, I believe, original compositions.  And they were great.  I did not expect to enjoy it as much as I did.  I would not say I am a big fan of roots, bluegrass, folk.  But these guys (the girl was not there?) were so full of excitement, talent and showmanship that it was impossible not to get into the rhythm, especially when we were in such a cozy space.

And yet my son's face stayed blank and he barely applauded.  I asked several times, "Are you enjoying this?"
"Ehh..."
"Do you want to leave?"
"No."
But he must have had a good time.  He watched intently as the band played, he said he was impressed with the mandolin player. 
He went up during intermission to talk to the bass player, and after the concert, my son (who taught himself guitar, bass and a bit of key board in the last 1 1/2 years) played on the upright bass himself for a little bit, while talking more with the musician.  And finally, I saw the beautiful big smile on his face.  My heart melted.  Can a child ever understand how much his smile is worth to his parent?  I still can't get it into my head how callous I am to be stingy with happy words to my mother.

I wanted to include a "Zits" cartoon, on "interpreting your child's facial expressions" : 20 panels, with assorted emotions as captions, and all with the same blank facial expression.  But I got this instead, which makes the point almost as well.

Self medicating

I have the bad habit of not finishing books, but the good habit of being willing to come back to them over and over.  The result is that I sometimes take decades to finish books, literally.  It took me over ten years to read Crime and Punishment as well as Fellowship of the Rings.  I kept starting them again and again, probably at least five times each.  And in the end, I loved Fellowship, read the rest of the series quickly, while I hated Crime and Punishment.  So I can't judge the merit of the books by how many times I put it down.

One of the books I have started many times is Listening to Prozac.  I think it is a great book, but around the 4th chapter, I start having a hard time going on, too many names of doctors and chemicals, I guess.  (Prozac Nation I finished in a week on my commute to work, which is totally irrelevant, because it is an entirely different book).  I picked it up again, and am a few pages further than I have ever gotten.  I think I came back to it this time because of painting my kitchen - it reminded me of the case study who was very flustered by indecision on decorating her son's room, until she realized that she couldn't find a bedspread she liked for the room because really she hated the wall color - once she painted the room, the rest came easily.  (For those of you who haven't read the book, the story is quite trivial; don't dismiss the book because of this dumb small passage.) 

One of my sons, when he was about 5, asked something like, "Why is mommy holding a mask on that book?"  I thought it was very telling that he associated the picture with me.


I said in a much earlier post that I could be the poster child for hysteroid disphoria, but rereading the definition, I see that is clearly not correct - I don't have any of the extrovert characteristics.  But I am certainly overly rejection-sensitive and applause hungry.  And just in general, all the female patients characterized in the book resonate with me.  So I have a bottle full of old medication, and I was VERY tempted to go back on.  The major reasons against (which do not at all include any objection to self medicating) are 1) If I like it, I will have to go to the doctor fairly soon and say "I have been self-medicating, and want to continue, so will you write a prescription for me?" which probably won't go down so smoothly, and I will probably have to end up taking time off work, and paying money out of pocket to visit with a psychiatrist.  But you never know, maybe not - maybe my doctor will just say "Yeah, you know yourself, and I'm willing to give you a prescription and monitor you myself, for this fairly innocuous drug."  2) The meds made me unbearably sleepy the last time I was on them regularly.  Which is ironic, since when I was nursing my babies, oxytocin never made me sleepy, like most mothers, but instead made me severely depressed.  I always thought I would be a great lab study (milk down=black cloud of depression; 10minutes later, finish nursing = cloud drifts away), if only I could find a lab to take on the project .  Anywho, sleepy was hard; hard enough to make me dump the meds before.

But it sounds so good... It was so good.  Maybe I should go back to the yogurt - that just hurt my stomach. but it doesn't make me that exciting "better than well" of Prozac.

BTW, just thinking again about the prospect of dating - I am obviously telling the world that I was on anti-depression meds.  Oh well, if a prospective guy couldn't handle that, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be the right guy for me.  And again, I will try to get back to that subject soon.

Hate these positive affirmation type posts

If my FB friends are any indication of "average", we are all getting a ton of these "share"s daily:

This one is not particularly good or bad, in fact it is totally average.  Everytime I bother to read one, I am filled with the desire to yell back "AS IF!!!!"

I can't ignore the people in my life who treat me poorly or I would lose my job, be unable to arrange for my kids, etc. 
I can't control my brain to the extent that I am able to wake up without regrets, just because someone says so.

I LOVE people who at the moment don't treat me right, and hope I always will - do you dump children, parents, long time friends who treat you poorly?  CHILDREN AND PARENTS???

I can't take every chance I get to change my life - I HAVE PEOPLE DEPENDENT ON ME, CHILDREN DEPENDENT ON ME.

Blah Blah Blah.  Just shut up already....

And then, if I can at least say I am trying to change things as far as an untenable marriage, the next post I come to will be some dumb affirmation about how every marriage takes work, did you work at yours? blah blah blah.

And do I need this???:

Okay, yeah for you whoever posted this.

Man, I sound like Moe Sislak.

I just read about the first half of Augusten Burroughs "This is How".  I had never heard of him before.  As I said, I only got half way through before I returned it to the library.  But I liked a lot of it, probably because I already agreed with so much, especially that Positive affirmation are not helpful if you are not already positive.  I also liked the part about radical change vs suicide, much better than the lame poster advice "if you get a chance - take it."  But as I said above, I have children depending on me at the moment, and so I have opted for neither.  Okay, go read it if you want, I gotta clean for shabbos.