Another dream: the Normal Family

 Hmm, seems that I never got around to finishing this, back in February.

Tired.  Spent last night in a motel near my mother's place, so I could take her to 7:30am (out-patient) surgery.  Snowed again overnight and into this morning.  B"H, all went well, I drove home, came to work a couple hours, because unscheduled people were using equiptment that I needed, so I had to get that stuff done today.  Spending time with my mother is so taxing.  I'm not really at liberty to explain why, so please just accept it: very taxing!
I'm starting to feel extra over-anxious again - maybe it is just Purim/ Pesach/ taxes time of year, coupled with these papers at work.  I had a dream last week.  I can't even remember it very well, but it was pretty much the idea that wasband and I were going to live together again primarily to pull resources, and the provide kids with "normal" home.  Wouldn't I love that - And ISN'T THAT SAD! Or is it?
Okay here is the sad:  I would be giving up on ever having a real husband = helpmate, partner soulmate, beloved, etc, whatever title/ qualities you want to use, I would never in my life have had this; and according to most novels, poems, plays, songs, this is a pretty good thing to have.
I have been back to reviewing Fraiser, watched the 6th season birthday episode, where Fraiser confides to Eddy how upset he is to still be single, how alone he will feel when Daphne moves out.  Made me feel that it is not over-dramatic to be sad to be single (not that anyone should try to learn life's truths from television...still...).
On the other had is it so sad?  A friend on FB posted parted of what looked like a play, where the "mother" or "grandmother" is explaining that many, if not most, relationships are only meant or able to be transient, so better to be single and happy, than married and miserable.

It's always relevant,  because I have these same thoughts when people equate the tragedy of illness with the "tragedy" of being single, most notably when saying Tehillim (Psalms).  Is it a tragedy that a) someone will never share a life with a helpmeet / soulmate, or b) someone will never get married?  And if it is choice a, then why didn't all you people help me more when I was trying to escape my sham of a marriage?  I certainly was being prevented from sharing my life with a mate capable of sharing my life.

And still, if I thought I could "live" with the wasband, but never have to deal with him, never have to interact, had the same freedom I have now - yeah, I think that it extremely tempting.  "Live" here = sleep in the same house, but not the same bedroom; also have a separate kitchen, bathroom or living room; keep money extremely separate, maybe have an accountant to pay shared bills, attend social and child-rearing functions together, but had very liberal options on spending shabbos separately, etc.

I guess this is just another "I'm still at this same place" post.

But as I said on Monday: really, I'm pretty well right now. 

Bli Eyin Hara!I have a first author paper "in press", another paper where I'm middle author is about to come out, jewelry is selling a bit, my son talks to me a bit, kinda' and might take my help this summer.

I ran, it wasn't sickening

Day 382:  194.6
Just wanted to post something I am so happy about.

I have been trying to run to lose weight and look better, and just to be able to run and to feel stronger.  So I would get up early, stumble out the door, run around the block a couple times.  After 3 weeks, I kinda gave up because I HATED IT.  I hated getting up early, I hated running, it felt back, made me wheeze, caused pain in my shoulders, was totally boring, and just generally felt bad from the first step to the last.

So that was about a week and a half ago I last ran in the morning.

Last night it was so nice out, I went for a nice brisk walk.  I came to a good straight bit of sidewalk, and something said "run".  So I ran.  Just a couple blocks.  I loved it.  And it was real running, not just that slow jogger shuffle I had been doing. Woo.  Today, I was late for an appointment a few blocks from my work.  Again, went a block or so in real run!  I like it.  I'm excited to see if I continue to like it.

Day 380

195.6

And beyond that, I'm at much the same point I was 380 days ago.

I haven't been able to communicate much with my local dudettes, feeling really alone.  I'm not in a terribly dark mood, in fact doing pretty well! but lonely, especially as I have had several good things happen, and I couldn't seem to find anyone to "appropriately" congratulate me or share in the happiness, big or little.

I was at a memorial service yesterday, for one of the community leaders, but not someone I was at all close to personally.  The whole time I only felt sorry for myself, especially when one of the speakers noted what a good friend the departed was, and how important it is to have a good friend to share with: a joy that cannot be shared is an empty joy, and a sorrow that cannot be shared is a much deeper sorrow.  YEAH, YEAH, LIKE I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME THIS.  I couldn't stop the self-pity; but as this was a eulogy, I felt I could just cry, why not?  So I cried a while, then asked "Please God, you who knows me, and knows what I need and what I want, please help me stop being so self-absorbed, and until then, let these tears be a kaporah, an atonement for me, and let their merit be for all your children."  Aren't I wonderful???  Ugh, as I drove home, I thought that in my way, I am just as narcissistic and self-centered as the wasband.

So let me praise myself a little more (and I'm warning you, it's a doozy):  A few hours before the memorial service, I was at an engagement party for a sweet, lovely young woman with whom I regularly spend shabbos lunch, since we are both very often guests of the same family.  We talk, and we both have a passion for spades, but I never thought she took much more notice of me.  On my way out, as I gave her and her fiance my congratulations, she just burst out that I was an inspiration to her, that everyone knows me and thinks that I am so sweet and tells the girls how nice and good is Sweet Profusion, etc., etc.
What does one do with this?  On the one hand I genuinely want to say "no, it's not true, I'm a big nasty loser", and on the other hand to ring out, "Yes, finally! I'm glad to hear you all see the truth! Now go shout it from the mountains." 
And I was reminded of a David Sedaris monologue, Diary Entries

He expounds "Sometimes things happen and I don't know what to do with my face.  Take for example..."  and he expounds on the bizarre things people tell him on his travels, and he witty responses, real or imagined.  In fact I couldn't think of any response, so I just looked incredulous, then started to tear, then hugged her to stop. 


I got a call this morning from an older woman who lives on the same block where the wasband still lives.  Apparently, he has been guest by her and her husband often, and recently the wasband has been inviting the older couple over for meals.  She approached me in the most tactful, gentle way, "I talked with you over shabbos, and I see how Wasband has changed, and I want to ask: Do you see a chance for reconciliation?"  And in a remarkably tactful and gentle and unemotional way, I was able to convince her that really we are much better apart, happier, nicer, better, even if the wasband has not fully realized this yet (I am not trying to imply that he put her up to this, I do not believe that would happen).  But what does still pain me everyday is that my son has not internalized it, so please, if she can help, that is where efforts should go.

I'm having a hard time tying the idea together here.  I guess it's that I want to be showered with praise for these 15 pounds I lost in a year('cause I was 194 on Friday, before shabbos and the vort), and I'm all "whoop-de-doo, let's try on all those clothes I was avoiding," until I crash to the somewhat insincere "ugh, you still a disgusting blob, and all you can do is 15 pounds in a whole year?", and the more sincere "who even cares anyway? there's no one who cares what you weigh."

But you all care, right?