Day 380

195.6

And beyond that, I'm at much the same point I was 380 days ago.

I haven't been able to communicate much with my local dudettes, feeling really alone.  I'm not in a terribly dark mood, in fact doing pretty well! but lonely, especially as I have had several good things happen, and I couldn't seem to find anyone to "appropriately" congratulate me or share in the happiness, big or little.

I was at a memorial service yesterday, for one of the community leaders, but not someone I was at all close to personally.  The whole time I only felt sorry for myself, especially when one of the speakers noted what a good friend the departed was, and how important it is to have a good friend to share with: a joy that cannot be shared is an empty joy, and a sorrow that cannot be shared is a much deeper sorrow.  YEAH, YEAH, LIKE I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME THIS.  I couldn't stop the self-pity; but as this was a eulogy, I felt I could just cry, why not?  So I cried a while, then asked "Please God, you who knows me, and knows what I need and what I want, please help me stop being so self-absorbed, and until then, let these tears be a kaporah, an atonement for me, and let their merit be for all your children."  Aren't I wonderful???  Ugh, as I drove home, I thought that in my way, I am just as narcissistic and self-centered as the wasband.

So let me praise myself a little more (and I'm warning you, it's a doozy):  A few hours before the memorial service, I was at an engagement party for a sweet, lovely young woman with whom I regularly spend shabbos lunch, since we are both very often guests of the same family.  We talk, and we both have a passion for spades, but I never thought she took much more notice of me.  On my way out, as I gave her and her fiance my congratulations, she just burst out that I was an inspiration to her, that everyone knows me and thinks that I am so sweet and tells the girls how nice and good is Sweet Profusion, etc., etc.
What does one do with this?  On the one hand I genuinely want to say "no, it's not true, I'm a big nasty loser", and on the other hand to ring out, "Yes, finally! I'm glad to hear you all see the truth! Now go shout it from the mountains." 
And I was reminded of a David Sedaris monologue, Diary Entries

He expounds "Sometimes things happen and I don't know what to do with my face.  Take for example..."  and he expounds on the bizarre things people tell him on his travels, and he witty responses, real or imagined.  In fact I couldn't think of any response, so I just looked incredulous, then started to tear, then hugged her to stop. 


I got a call this morning from an older woman who lives on the same block where the wasband still lives.  Apparently, he has been guest by her and her husband often, and recently the wasband has been inviting the older couple over for meals.  She approached me in the most tactful, gentle way, "I talked with you over shabbos, and I see how Wasband has changed, and I want to ask: Do you see a chance for reconciliation?"  And in a remarkably tactful and gentle and unemotional way, I was able to convince her that really we are much better apart, happier, nicer, better, even if the wasband has not fully realized this yet (I am not trying to imply that he put her up to this, I do not believe that would happen).  But what does still pain me everyday is that my son has not internalized it, so please, if she can help, that is where efforts should go.

I'm having a hard time tying the idea together here.  I guess it's that I want to be showered with praise for these 15 pounds I lost in a year('cause I was 194 on Friday, before shabbos and the vort), and I'm all "whoop-de-doo, let's try on all those clothes I was avoiding," until I crash to the somewhat insincere "ugh, you still a disgusting blob, and all you can do is 15 pounds in a whole year?", and the more sincere "who even cares anyway? there's no one who cares what you weigh."

But you all care, right?