Tower of Glass

So, pretty pretty good.  I am fairly calm.  I actually have some great news to hopefully share in a week or two (not divorce stuff).  Trying to float over some of the blah: no one came to the last dance party.  Granted, there was a big melava malkah at the shul that night, and the dance was the first "adults only", so the regular teenagers didn't come.  Still it bummed me out.  And I was already on the way down, because my oldest son was in town for Shabbos, and it was all I could do to wring 15 minutes out of him.  But, as I said, I seem to be able to ride most of it out. 

I recently hit upon a great metaphor for my state of mind : I am always on a spectrum of anxiety, as if I were living in a tower of glass. 

I didn't really expect to find a PHOTO for this, maybe just a drawing.  Apparently, the Sears Tower, and maybe some other buildings, have glass observation decks.  And if you have lots of expendable wealth, you can have glass floors in your home.  Some people must find this appealing.  I only find it frightening, disorienting, and nauseating.  Even though I can accept that this flooring may be just as strong and sturdy as wood or cement, or whatever my floors are made of, it would still be terribly unpleasant having to live on it - I could never feel secure.  Maybe I could "get used' to it if forced, meaning I would be able to function in the tower.  But I don't imagine ever being at ease if we were more than a few feet in the air. 

So that's where I am, in my glass tower.  Sometimes I am busy working to try to put in some opaque supports, sometimes the tower gets lower to the ground on its own.  Other times the tower climbs, and my supports are busted loose.  But I live in the tower - I may go out for little trips, but when it is time to go home, that is the only place I have to go, the stomach-churning, anxiety inducing tower of glass.
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I started writing this two nights ago, while getting ready for a big-deal outing with the kids, and friends from out of state.  We planned to go up to the mountains to go snow tubing.  I had traded time with the wasband to get the kids (so he now has my Sunday next chol hamoed Pessach), took vacation from work, bought a load of cold weather gear.  My friend and I cooked lots of good stuff to bring with us.  And then, it snowed.

End of story - the friends, who were staying overnight in the mountains, started earlier, got there, and went on the tubes.  I started 25 minutes later, skidded before I even got out of the city, and saw that I would never make it back last night, even if I made it to the mountains at all.  So we turned around. 

Although it seems perfectly clear that I made the right decision, still, I'm totally bummed.  Why did G-d tease me AGAIN? 

Still, I should be in a happy mood. As I said above,  I have good news, that I don't want to share quite yet.  But I will say that I had a great meeting over the weekend on a business deal.  As I walked out of the meeting I was so happy I could shout - actually did give a little shout once I got in the car.  And then...   

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..."who can I share this happiness with?"  No one.  I made a phone call to Mrs. Surrogate to say thank you for her prodding.  She was very happy for me...but then the phone call was over in two minutes, and I couldn't think of anyone else to tell.  So I just headed to the laundromat to do my regular 2nd Sunday 4 hrs of laundry.  And then I went home and ate too much, and try to look forward to the tubing trip.

I wanted to say something insightful, but I'm really getting myself too blue.  And I am really blue today.

Poor me, pitiful, pitiful me. Yuck-ola!


Too sum up:  Sad things, glass towers and skidding cars = bad.

Another fabulous movie I hadn't seen before, "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" has everything that those bad Jack Nicholson movies, "As Good As It Gets" (see my review ) and the horrible "Something's Gotta Give", did not have, and with less than half the overt sleaze factor of the latter.  I loved this movie too much. Yes, it had some of the same flaws: ridiculously fast and grand change in some characters, and a somewhat pat ending to some of the story lines.  But since it had several interesting interweaving lines, I found it most satisfying.

So here's my lament: it was so good and happy and hopeful an ending, that I found it depressing on a personal level.  Let's look back at my concluding remarks from the review of "As Good As It Gets":

And here's a kicker I think I was relieved that the ending didn't do much for me - Carol shouldn't end up with Melvin, this is not a beautiful, romantic outcome.  And if she did end up with a perfect guy I would hate it, because it would make me feel even more hopeless and envious..

But I was quite desirous of the final situation of all the characters in "Marigold", so...

"Everything will be all right in the end; so if it is not all right, then it cannot be the end."  What a lovely idea.  So why does it make me cry?

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Stuff I was thinking about, wanted to write a couple weeks ago:

Court is awful. Paying legal fees, worrying whether everything is accurate yet helpful, feeling like your fate is up to the decision of another human, who has never met you before, and only knows an hour or two about your situation.

In reflection, this second time was slightly easier, mostly just for being a 2nd visit. I was more confident which building I needed to reach, knew what I  needed to bring, what to expect.  The bailiff recognized me.

I couldn't get to sleep for hours the night before, even with a shot of mashka.  Thought about what I needed to say, actually wrote down some note cards.  In the end, almost none of it was actually said.  Isn't that always the way with things one thinks to say in the middle of the night?

Wasband looked so vulnerable - couldn't answer questions, or had poor answers.  I so wanted to answer the questions he couldn't - not to help necessarily, probably more to show-off "I know, I know!"  But it was just overwhelming to see him vulnerable; I don't think I've seen him in similar distress for even one hour since I have known him.  Why can't we just work together?!  Why does it always have to be so destructive? 
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 I don't know yet the outcome.  Monetarily, I think only the lawyers will come out ahead.  But maybe I am stronger because of it?  It's not all right, but then, I know it's not the end...

Post Script:  looking back, I apparently  enjoyed "As Good As It Gets", even if not for the plot.  But I guess it was overshadowed by "Something's Got To Give", which I saw a month or so later.  A real stinker.  Who are these casting directors who think Jack Nicholson is so attractive????