Time for a new year

It's that time of year, really my low point.  Everything I do is under the shadow of the wasband.  He is getting very aggressive about insisting getting the lion's share of time with and influence over the boys.  ("Aggressive" is the nice, conservative way of putting it.)  Plus I just switched lawyers, took a loan from the local g'mach and put a large balance on my credit card to pay for it, so money is sooo tight.  And I'm short and unhappy with the boys, and I am getting so tired.  I can barely get stuff done at work.

BUT, let's talk about something else (kinda').  This week on "This American Life," they replayed the article about brothers treating each other horribly.  The brothers being interviewed appear truly vicious as children, but the piece ends with the oldest brother, who seems to have initiated the fighting, saying that he thinks they are much closer as adults because they were so rough with each other while growing up.  I'd love to think this is true, because my guys seem to beat on one another ever moment possible.  My friend just told me about a beautiful park about 25min away where you can rent boats to go out on the nice little lake.  I took the boys out on Sunday.  We rented a paddle-boat, they peddled, I sat in back.  They bickered and fought and complained "it's hot; my knees hurt; I'm steering! no go back that way! stop pushing me! get your feet off there!I'm peddling! stop kicking the peddles! let's go back", the entire hour.  THE ENTIRE HOUR.  I just cried for the last 15min.  There is nothing I can do right, everything fails, I can't even give them a nice weekend before school starts, even if I go out, spend money, blah blah blah.  They bring the boat into the dock, we step off, and they say "That was fun."
"You're joking.  You fought the whole time.  That was miserable."
"No, that was good... Now we haveta walk all the way back??????Hey, I'm leading.No mom said to go the other way.Stop pushing me."whine whine whine

I dunno.  Was that a good day or not?

Oh 205.0
I lost the will for the moment.  Out cupboard is bare.  I really have never have so little in the house - I think I never restocked "staples" after last Pesach, or something, and I try not to go shopping anymore because I don't have money, even if I had the time. I don't even have noodles in the house!  We actually have have tasty meals, and not particularly high calorie, but not particularly low calorie.  The orchard we usually go to is less then 2 miles from the park mentioned above, so we picked plums - about 14lbs.  I froze down the majority, but we have each been eating over 10 plums per day.  I think the kids eat them not just because they like them and want SOMETHING to eat, but also don't want me to feel bad that I wasted money if a whole bunch are left to go rotten.

So I also try to think how all this adversity while they are young is probably building character, and bringing them closer...

Oh please God, bring a good year for all of us.

Newlyweds are a Hot Commodity, and I'm and ugly jealous toad.

Now isn't this awful:  I dislike my new neighbor for absolutely no reason!  Just because she is a newlywed, and all sweet and pretty and popular, I just can't look at her cheerfully.  If newlyweds weren't such a hot commodity, I could have them over for a meal and try to get to make some kind of friendly bonds, but that opportunity will probably take awhile, and I'm not in the mood to work for it.  Talk about baseless hatred!  Talk about envy!  She has become the personification of all that is perverse with the community chesed system:  These happy newlyweds, with their happy new home, and happy supportive parents right around the corner, and all their happy wedding gifts (evidenced by all the boxes outside on their curb on trash day), these lucky lucky people get mitzvah meals and invitations aplenty, and a "welcome to the block" kiddush that I am supposed to cook for!  And I... well I know it is horribly selfish, and unkind and such-and-such, but WHERE WERE MY FREAKIN' MITZVAH MEALS WHEN THE WHOLE DAMN FRUM BLOCK WATCHED ME RUSHED OUT OF THE HOUSE IN A 10 DAYS OVER LAST ROSH HASHANNAH????? AND BEFORE THAT WHEN I SUDDENLY MOVED WITH TWO LITTLE KIDS INTO AN UNFURNISHED BASEMENT APARTMENT WITH NO DISHES OR COOKWARE AT ALL,  NO KOSHERED OVEN?
Actually, I just delivered mitzvah meals to two families in the "new neighborhood" last week, and I don't even live there anymore.  Although I was actually happy that I was able to make the deliveries, I don't know how I kept a friendly disposition. 

Recently a friend asked for a suggestion for a productive Elul.  I couldn't answer.  It seems all I can do to cry out "Help me now! I don't want to do this anymore!"  and to not actually spit on my neighbor. 

So disgusted, I am being disgusting

I am so sad and angry and alone, that I am posting something that is none of your business.

Asked wasband if he would kick in money to pay for tutoring for son who really needs it.  Wasband said, yes if I let him have both little boys extra two nights each of my weeks (and remember that he ALWAYS has oldest son, whom he has completely turned against me; and he always gets the boys during shul; often for swimming one night a week; every day of summer with the middle one; plus whatever other chores he finds that he MUST do during my weeks! )!  After I responded NO twice, this morning he again made it clear that the tutoring was dependent on me giving up time with the boys.

Here is my latest email to him:

Dear Wasband,

I can take Moo to his tutoring every week, and I might as well take Po along with me as well.  How about every evening when you go to maariv, you drop off  Poe with me.  And drop him off with me before shacharit on shabbos, since we all know he roams the building, and I usually end up watching him anyway.   Also, Po doesn't like frozen pizzas twice a week, and it can't be good for Moo, so I will take them for dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays on your weeks.  Also I would like to check to make sure your apartment is reasonably clean for a child to live in...

Have you hung up yet? 

I don't want to ruin the chance to get Moo the tutoring he needs.  I hope you are willing to pay for it without using it as bargaining chip.  But I'm not going to change my stance on this issue.

Your Loving Wife,

-Sweet Perfusion

day 34

206.6 and I felt so beaten that I had several bowl of peanut butter noodles that I made for shabbos.

In response to Princess Lea:  Yeah, when I say starvation mode, I mean nothing to coffee for breakfast, nothing but water all day, and then a small portion of whatever I made for the kid's dinner at around 5 or 6pm.  And for me, this is the only thing that ever worked - lunch I can skip easily, dinner is MUCH harder. 

Swinging back to depression.  I wish I had time to write - good little essay in my head.  about how everyone is in Capt. Kirk mode, it is unacceptable to say "I know I will lose." So am I supposed to look to cheat my own Kobayashi Maru?  What would that look like?

Day 32

206.6

How?  I haven't had any grand consumption lately.  Truly! Maybe I never really lost any serious weight, it was all just monthly cyclical shifts.  Ugh, ugh, ugh...

Well, it got me out and walking around, but the unhappy truth is that only way for me to really see change is either significant increase in activity, or SOMEHOW getting myself into starvation mode again, which I only succeeded in twice in my life, and once it came as a result of serious illness.

So I guess I'm gonna go do something active now.

but first, the wedding...

Let me say that I came away from the wedding with almost exclusively good feelings for everyone I saw there.  Overflowing good feeling.  I think it is the most comfortable I have been, at any family function, for years.  I wish I had been able to spend more time with everyone.   I tried to let everyone know that I REALLY AND TRULY want to get together more often.

the main thing I wanted to talk about though, was the schism in adherence to halachah (religious observance), often dividing between the generations. Not hostile, for the most part, although it is amazing how the older generation continues, after years and years, to say "You're not going to eat anything?! You could have soemthing!"  Some of my older relatives, whom I thought were somewhat adherent to kashrut, had no interest in ascertaining the status of the food (although a moment's observation would have made it clear there was no chance that anything was kosher).  For good or bad, there was no chattering about the halachic elephant in room.  Well, not while we were in the reception hall anyway.  One conversation with a cousin about the respective tshuvahs we were given concerning attending the event... Thank goodness the cousin given the tshuvah that he couldn't attend, couldn't have made it anyway for other reasons.

Day 29

204.????

I didn't actaully get on the scale this morning - I was truly rushed out the door before I ever went into the kitchen (which is where the scale lives - thing on the bathroom floor get gritty dirty too fast).  But I was 205.4 before I went to sleep last night, so-

I now have a face to think of when I need motivation to lose weight - my Aunt Sally.  At the wedding yesterday, she said I should keep losing weight for her.  Okay.

Anyway, I want to write a little more about the wedding, but it will have to be later on.

Day28

206.4

My mother is here this weekend, and we are heading to a wedding I don't really want to go to, and I have been going absolutely crazy, and stuffing my face, and with actual candy, and I can't calm down, and I'm just at work to get directions because can't get anything by phone, and computers are evil and I am poor and all that jazz.

Day 25

204.6

Yesterday it was 204.2, so I believe this is not some freak, dehydrated, low number.  5lb down, only a bizzillion more to go. 

And I MUST keep going because my feet are giving out again.  When I went to the beach a couple weeks ago, I must have torn the ligaments in one foot, and it had been getting worse.  I've taken to severe measures, and the pain is down, but I need to lose the weight to really get it to heal and not re-tear.  I haven't been doing any radical dieting, just not being stupid most of the time... but that is only going to get me so far, sigh.

Okay, hopefully a real post coming soon.