Now isn't this awful: I dislike my new neighbor for absolutely no reason! Just because she is a newlywed, and all sweet and pretty and popular, I just can't look at her cheerfully. If newlyweds weren't such a hot commodity, I could have them over for a meal and try to get to make some kind of friendly bonds, but that opportunity will probably take awhile, and I'm not in the mood to work for it. Talk about baseless hatred! Talk about envy! She has become the personification of all that is perverse with the community chesed system: These happy newlyweds, with their happy new home, and happy supportive parents right around the corner, and all their happy wedding gifts (evidenced by all the boxes outside on their curb on trash day), these lucky lucky people get mitzvah meals and invitations aplenty, and a "welcome to the block" kiddush that I am supposed to cook for! And I... well I know it is horribly selfish, and unkind and such-and-such, but WHERE WERE MY FREAKIN' MITZVAH MEALS WHEN THE WHOLE DAMN FRUM BLOCK WATCHED ME RUSHED OUT OF THE HOUSE IN A 10 DAYS OVER LAST ROSH HASHANNAH????? AND BEFORE THAT WHEN I SUDDENLY MOVED WITH TWO LITTLE KIDS INTO AN UNFURNISHED BASEMENT APARTMENT WITH NO DISHES OR COOKWARE AT ALL, NO KOSHERED OVEN?
Actually, I just delivered mitzvah meals to two families in the "new neighborhood" last week, and I don't even live there anymore. Although I was actually happy that I was able to make the deliveries, I don't know how I kept a friendly disposition.
Recently a friend asked for a suggestion for a productive Elul. I couldn't answer. It seems all I can do to cry out "Help me now! I don't want to do this anymore!" and to not actually spit on my neighbor.
:(
ReplyDeleteHey - been reading your blog for a bit now...just wanted to say that while I know you are suffering, you have the advantage of being able to acknowledge and express your feelings and that is so much more than just the first step to working through anything. I can't tell you this will be over soon - things will get better - or some other sort of generic crap people spit out. What i can say is that you have an understanding of yourself that is helping you through all your difficulties, so keep on writing and keep on letting those feelings through. After all, YOU are the only sure thing about anything in your life at the moment. Keep real.
ReplyDeleteThis is very powerful. I stopped feeling bad about turning down requests to cook for such things (due to my own personal circumstances involving a nonverbal autistic child), but it wasn't easy.
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