More of the same

Because we live in bizarre coincidence world, mine is the block of divorcees.  I certainly wouldn't have chosen that, it wasn't when I moved in - one family was still together when I came, and one women moved back to her parents house after I was already in my place.  Don't get me wrong, it is a lovely block, and I'm glad to be there; I just wonder if it is perceived by others as the divorcee street (although I don't think any of us has finalized the divorce yet.) 

I was thinking this because I look at the other two women and think deep in my head, "Are you really sure?  You need to try harder. This just isn't right, is it?" I realize I have no business to think I know what really goes on in their lives, but still, this is what I think. And I then wonder, "How many people still think that about me? What do my close allies think? I know I was right to leave; do they?"

I was looking outside today, just thinking about nothing, and remembering a calm phone conversation with my mother this week.  For years before I left the wasband, every conversation with my mother quickly became heated, with me explaining how unhappy I was all the time, and that I couldn't absorb any more negative feelings. Toward the very end, I couldn't stay on the phone with her more than a few minutes.  Soon after I left, my mother started telling me how much better I sounded, not so unhappy and explosive.  Then later, she marveled that we would actually have pleasant phone calls.  Now she almost takes it for granted - I am happy with life, or at least content most of the time. I know she never questioned the separation - which was a happy surprise to me at first - because she felt how toxic the marriage was to me.

Eh, probably most people are too busy with their own lives to think about mine. Still, I want to ask those close friends. But what would it serve? - if they say they know it was good I left, I will wonder if they are being sincere, and if they say I was wrong, I will think they are blind and slow-witted. 
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Okay, time to get sukkah stuff.  Yay!

Wasband Dreams

More stressful days, more disturbing dreams.

As I said last time, my kids and I were supposed to appear in court on Wednesday, but the case was "continued to an unspecified date in the future. The judges and courtrooms are in the process of moving their facilities and they cannot hear this case tomorrow. "  This is good and bad, and generally stressful.

So I had a dream last night that I was remarrying the wasband.  And the whole dream, I kept thinking, "How is this happening?  It must be a dream, but it's not a dream.  Can I stop this?  Can this possibly be good?"  The part I remember most was that I had a glass hat that kept slipping off my head, because the wig underneath, with all the hair underneath that, was just too big. And I wondered what I did to keep my hat on the first time, and then I remembered that I didn't wear a hat the first time.

A glass hat - now what could that mean?  It was a beautiful hat though, very chic, but 100% impractical for concealing your hair.

I have had several similar dreams in the past of marrying the wrong person for bizarre reasons, back since I was in middle school.  Is this a conventional dream subject?

I suppose the obvious meaning is that I'm feeling stuck, still married, and still getting so much bad stuff from the wasband, and I can't figure out whether it is best to stay in my present position, or to push to get out of this marriage.  Am I covering my hair, or am I showing my hair; am I imprisoned or am I free? Do I just have the trappings of freedom, made even harder to handle by all the junk underneath?

I'm hoping not to have any small talk this Shabbos.  Really don't want the burden of answering "Yeah, it's been a fine week, how about you?", but not about to either take off the glass hat, or the wig underneath.



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On a totally different subject, I am proud to say that I have made a tiny but beautiful upgrade to my apartment, it makes me so happy.  Last week I packed up the boys in the car, along with a drying rack that I bought for Pesach, but never used. We went to Lowes to return it. Po asks jokingly "Why are you returning this item Ma'am?  Did something happen to it."
"None of your concern," I reply. "Now I want to exchange this for a new toilet seat."

The boys think it is ridiculous that I was so disturbed by the old toilet seat.  But it was faded white, with tiny cracks in the paint, and it was the wrong size so that it encouraged yucky build-up all around.  Bleh! I can't believe I waited this long. 
I recently heard a study, which I can now find, on the disgust factors separated by gender.  I can't find the study I want because there are so many similar ones out there.  Basically, if you hook up electrodes to women, you get the same range of disgust response to dirty toilets as to carnage, where as the response in men to dirty toilets - not so much. 
Po is very interested in the psychological differences between the genders; for him, this is one more piece to his theory "ladies are very different from me."