Stronger Herecy

I pulled out my last angry post.  But I'm now beyond angry, too numb and depressed.  Angry, bitter, and really questioning what is the whole point.  I don't have many good feelings left.  I feel that the Jewish community, as a whole, has let me down too many times to continue. A "new / old" neighbor saw me on the street this morning, as I was trying to run up a couple blocks to where I left the moving van over-night.  "Hey, it's S.P, welcome to the block."  "Yeah, whatever," and I took off.  I hate it here already, this was a big mistake, I didn't even have one day to enjoy it - plus I heard again, as I'm unloading all this crap collected over the last year, that there is a new potential buyer very interested in the house, again heard it from a third-party.

What I have yearned for since I was a pre-teen was a family to love and a "normal life".  Forget it, never gonna happen.  Although I HATE the idea of "expecting the worst so that you are never disappointed," hated it since I was a little girl, I am falling deep deep into that philosophy.  Don't get excited at all about the wonderful house, it may be taken away tomorrow.  Don't expect to ever have a home, ever feel that you are part of a community.  Don't expect that any of your children will associate with you when they are adult; in fact don't expect anything from your children.  Don't expect that you will ever be in love.Don't expect that you can ever enjoy this life.  Just be thankful for what ever crumb you can, that is what was meant to be.

I've been thinking about the Y.L. Peretz story "Bontsha the Silent".  That's me, the good-girl sucker.  When I first heard the story, as a little girl, I thought it was supposed to be funny - look at this simpleton, who doesn't even know there is a greater world around him.  It wasn't until college that I heard the original rendition, ending with the angels all downcast, while the Prosecutor laughs.  Rav Kook says that this is NOT what God wants from us, to just take all the punishment life gives us, and meekly accept it.

So why is that ALL I hear right and left.  When will someone show me how to fight for what is right, for the tzedek??  I really have to believe, more than ever, that if this is all the advice I can get, then this system is messed up.

In response to yesterday's playdate

I can’t write pretty, I’m really in a rush, and the lab is full of people, but I had to get this down.  I had a dream last night of the wasband, just a plain vanilla dream of  us as a family, him as a good Dad.  This is the first dream I can remember of him that wasn’t clearly driven by anger or love-starvation,  since…I don’t know, possible ever.  Really, I can’t think of any.  At some point in the dream, I knew it was just a dream, that the wasband and I were not together anymore – and it was not good or bad or scary or exciting, it just was.  

I was talking to a friend yesterday about the house I am moving into.  So many people ask “Why don’t YOU buy the house?”  Because I HAVE NO MONEY, DUFUS.  (that was NOT meant toward the friend from yesterday, she is close enough to not ask such a question, really, that was not aimed toward you!!!)  But a thought that popped in my head yesterday was, “What if I want to remarry?  A house to sell would be a pain.”  But then I thought, “I don’t know that I want to get remarried any time soon.”  Can this be ME, even thinking this somewhat honestly?  Even as I said it aloud yesterday, I wasn’t sure if I was being honest with myself.  I have felt so scared and lost this past year, I thought I was desperate to attach myself to someone.  I’ve always felt desperate to attach myself to someone, for as long as I can remember!

 I might be reading too much into this dream.  But it was just so peaceful, normal, even happy. 

Please, let me advance toward this happy place*.

 * These seemingly random pictures are representative of my happy place in a manner clear to only two of us, but not in the religious aspect associated with the bottom one. that bottom one is great, isn't it.  I also apologize for using these images without permission.

Anxiety returning

because my stomach can't take anymore Kefir, and I have to get my financial records together for the lawyer, and so I'm in thinking-about-divorce mode again, and I am crazy busy at work, and busy packing up to move, and not sure if I'm happy about the move, and nervous what if the house sells tomorrow, and really fed up with the old place, and had a crazy stressful "vacation" the beginning of this week, and I don't know what I will do in 2 weeks when wasband is back at work, but kids don't have camp or school, and something else I can't remember...
did I say before I don't like lists?  I guess I meant that I don't like making them for myself.

I have been meaning to get a hair cut for several months, but never found a chance, since I can't just go down the street to the "Hair Cuttery".  My hair was so long and thick, it was becoming cumbersome, snarly and hot in my terribly humid apartment.  When we came home from the beach this week,  I had this mass of stringy, hot hair that wouldn't let me sleep.  So I pulled out the shears and, hack hack, took off 6-8 inches.  It's still long, just past my shoulders, but the reduction is such a relief.  I wish there was something so easy, quick, cheap and side-effect-free that I could do to lighten my anxiety.

Non-sequitur: Here is an adorable picture...I want one:

The sweet little things

Last month when I was in the radiology waiting room, I saw an older couple on their way out.  As they went out the door, they clasped hands.  I have no idea what their story is, saw no particular expression on their face;  I just appreciated their connection.  I noticed a different older couple yesterday, coming up from the parking garage at my work (a different hospital), holding hands as they walked to the lobby.  So sweet.  I remember you, HR-S, holding hands with B, as you pushed the baby stroller into the subway.  So sweet.  I cannot reconcile the idea that frum marrieds need to avoid all public physical contact.  Maybe if there is enough verbal- or other nonphysical- support, maybe.

Last Wednesday, I was babysitting for friends, while the husband was at the Siyum Hashas.  I heard him leave a message on the machine, just "Hi H****, I wanted you to know I arrived safely.  I'll try to call you tonight.  Love you."  So sweet.

This is goodness.  If you have it, don't take it for granted.  If you are not doing it - wake up, and don't take it for granted.

This wasn't at all the Rockwell print I was trying to find, but it is good.  Another little thing I remember -when you, NLS, told J he need to dress more warmly, and fixed his collar and put a scarf (or hat or something) on him. Sweet.