Stronger Herecy

I pulled out my last angry post.  But I'm now beyond angry, too numb and depressed.  Angry, bitter, and really questioning what is the whole point.  I don't have many good feelings left.  I feel that the Jewish community, as a whole, has let me down too many times to continue. A "new / old" neighbor saw me on the street this morning, as I was trying to run up a couple blocks to where I left the moving van over-night.  "Hey, it's S.P, welcome to the block."  "Yeah, whatever," and I took off.  I hate it here already, this was a big mistake, I didn't even have one day to enjoy it - plus I heard again, as I'm unloading all this crap collected over the last year, that there is a new potential buyer very interested in the house, again heard it from a third-party.

What I have yearned for since I was a pre-teen was a family to love and a "normal life".  Forget it, never gonna happen.  Although I HATE the idea of "expecting the worst so that you are never disappointed," hated it since I was a little girl, I am falling deep deep into that philosophy.  Don't get excited at all about the wonderful house, it may be taken away tomorrow.  Don't expect to ever have a home, ever feel that you are part of a community.  Don't expect that any of your children will associate with you when they are adult; in fact don't expect anything from your children.  Don't expect that you will ever be in love.Don't expect that you can ever enjoy this life.  Just be thankful for what ever crumb you can, that is what was meant to be.

I've been thinking about the Y.L. Peretz story "Bontsha the Silent".  That's me, the good-girl sucker.  When I first heard the story, as a little girl, I thought it was supposed to be funny - look at this simpleton, who doesn't even know there is a greater world around him.  It wasn't until college that I heard the original rendition, ending with the angels all downcast, while the Prosecutor laughs.  Rav Kook says that this is NOT what God wants from us, to just take all the punishment life gives us, and meekly accept it.

So why is that ALL I hear right and left.  When will someone show me how to fight for what is right, for the tzedek??  I really have to believe, more than ever, that if this is all the advice I can get, then this system is messed up.