Another obvious analogy - more thoughts on the separation

I was talking with my friend yesterday, one of the very few to whom I share everything going on with the wasband.  I talked about particular things that still really send me into depression when dealing with him.  I told my friend that I am scared to move forward because of possible retaliation, since the wasband is still doing things that hurt me.  She reminded me that this is the same behavior he had before that separation, so why should I be more worried about it now?  Just keep moving forward.  She is correct, yet I am still scared.

I was talking with her yesterday particularly to let her know my surgery had gone well - I had varicose veins removed (actually burnt in place).  When the vascular surgeon first proposed this, I had no intention of going through with the surgery.  Most people thought I should obviously have the veins removed, but I thought, "I only have one body!  What if I close off these veins, and then can't reroute the blood flow, and  never have proper circulation in my legs?  I shouldn't mess around with this."  But eventually I came to the idea,"I have these useless veins that are NOT circulating the blood.  If they are now open and not helping with circulation, what is the difference if I have them CLOSED and not helping with circulation, except that I will hopefully have the benefit of less blood pooled in my leg and less chance of thrombosis?  So I kept the appointment, had the veins closed.

So, you see: if my wasband was harmful and not helpful IN my life in the last few years, harmful and not helpful in the last few months, why should I be so worried about putting him farther OUT of my life in my future? 

Muppet Movie (and Moneyball)

My movie buddy and I seem to be at an all time high, viewing an average of 1 movie per month.

Last month we went to Moneyball, which I knew next to nothing about going in.

 I really enjoyed watching this movie, as did my buddy.  The story was interesting and moved along nicely.  It was exceptionally clean for a mainstream movie, really only some language that gave it the PG rating, and even that did not seem at all gratuitous. Our only real complaint was the ridiculous length of film of Brad Pitt driving a car.  Catch it, especially if you liked Freakonomics (which now has a blog - just found this a second agohttp://www.freakonomics.com/blog/.

Okay, second movie was The Muppets.

I went into this movie with a lot more previews and expectation, and was sadly diappointed.  I mostly kept wondering "who was that cameo?"  After that I wondered "Does Amy Adams still enjoy these Disney roles? Did she ever enjoy them? I feel sorry for her being so typecast."  Movie buddy and I did have a couple nice deep laughs.  I guess I just had bigger hopes.

Oh, as an aside, I also recently saw Ushpizin for the first time.  Fantastic, really, I couldn't believe how deeply it touched me.  Not too surprisingly, it was the love story that hit me hardest at this moment in my life.  Go see it no matter who you are.  I looked around at reviews - I was not the only one to see the obvious similarities to Raising Arizona.  I was actually surprised how this was usually dismissed.  Maybe I will continue this later.

This weekend, I had a couple meals out with newish friends.  They all seemed to be really lovely people, I like sharing their company,  but this occasion was just not fun.  The meal turned in to a political party love-fest, and not for the party that I support.  It did not seem judicious to try to argue anything, as my debate skills are terrible, and no one would be convinced even if I was a brilliant speaker.

That sounds awfully pessimistic, doesn't it?  And I feel that pessimistic.  Today on Facebook, one friend posted how terrible is Walmart for abusing their workers, and another friend responded how wonderful is Walmart to supply so many jobs.  They could go back and forth all day, and neither one would budge one inch.  It is true, that if I was with the freinds with whom I agree, we could rant for hours, and I would enjoy getting to rant, but I acknowledge it would be to no purpose. One side is Polyannaish and lazy, the other side selfish and mean-spirited, or at least that is what the opponents would say.  And add stupid masses to both sides.

It's a bummer.  And I sometimes wish I didn't care so much. 

When I was a freshman in college, early in the year, I was speaking casually with one of the faculty.  He asked me what my plans were.  I said something like "I'm waiting for someone to grab hold of me and brainwash me."  I think we both knew I was only half joking.  Luckily or not, I don't think it happened - I never found anyone so convincing that I agreed with his whole platform.  Or at least, I can't think of anyone with whom I agree completely. hmmm?

 My overall impression from this weekend was that people who are so engrossed in politics believe that the rest of the world is as consumed as they are, and so of course they believe in these conspiracies.  If everyone's main focus is who is in power, then everyone would be working to get power over to his own side.  But I think the great majority of the world is mainly concerned with keeping body and soul together, and maybe sharing in a few comforts, with little thought to controlling the rest of the population.

Okay I'm a Pollyanna.  Was it really that hard to guess?

What a difference.

I was just thinking in the car today about speaking to the boys' teachers.  My little guy is working on his first diorama, and he is really excited, and doing a great job.  I told him I want to see all the dioramas from his class, he should tell the teacher to display them for the parents.  I thought of calling the teacher myself to ask her if she would make a specific time for parents to come view the class's work.  And I remembered the last time I came in to her classroom, I was so weepy, trying to explain that kids were going through a big change, my husband and I had just separated, etc.  The teachers looked at me so confused, "Why is she bawling, is something happening at this moment?"  I thought I was going to be like that forever, or at least for the whole school year.

Amazing how things change.

Detective Nate the Great

Back to my nightmare

I posted this link to Facebook a couple days ago.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

I made an instant connection with the tale of depression and the attempt and failure to just force it away.  But I saw another connection while recalling a dream from this weekend.

Awhile back, I told you that I had wanted to share my recurring nightmare, but I got side-tracked into complaining about the removal of several comic-strip archives from the web.  Well, I had the dream again this weekend, but did not find the time to look for the paper copy of the Sylvia cartoon I wanted to share.  Here is my totally unsatisfying recreation of the strip, with apologies to Nicole Hollander.

I must have a dream at least once per month that I need to change clothes or use the toilet, and I cannot find privacy.  The location, cast and scenario change, but the theme is unmistakably the same, I cannot get any privacy.  I was thinking of this the last time, after my husband's parents took us on a trip to a resort in the Catskills this summer.  This was supposed to be a relaxing vacation, but it was so tense that of course I had my nightmare: we are at the resort, and I am trying to change out of a bathing suit, but the scene turns into a train station, and I am in a public bathroom, and the little girls from my son's class are running around, and I let them use the bathroom, but then I need the toilet, and there are no doors on the stalls, and now there is everyone in the world coming into this bathroom...yeah, the nightmare full force.
So, I don't remember having this nightmare in the couple months since I moved, until this past weekend, when I was staying with a family from the old neighborhood (I had the whole basement to myself, own bathroom and everything, but that is not the only criteria, obviously).  But it had a very interesting twist at the end. I am back in elementary school, I need to use the bathroom, but they are all filthy. I keep looking for a serviceable toilet, and I'm getting desperate.  Finally, I find a somewhat decent stall, but I then realize that all the kids from my class are tromping in and out of the bathroom, and they are adult sized, whereas the walls of the stalls are very low.  Then the stall is somehow out in the play field, and everyone is coming right up to the stall to have a joke at my expense.  And I think to myself, "Too bad for them.  I'm not going to let them keep this up!" So I stand over the wall and yell, "Stay there if you are going to, but I am going to pee!"  And when they realize the joke is over, they mostly just turn away and let me be.
Yeah, that's right baby.  I've become a bad-ass!