Hmm, seems that I never got around to finishing this, back in February.
Tired. Spent last night in a motel near my mother's place, so I could take her to 7:30am (out-patient) surgery. Snowed again overnight and into this morning. B"H, all went well, I drove home, came to work a couple hours, because unscheduled people were using equiptment that I needed, so I had to get that stuff done today. Spending time with my mother is so taxing. I'm not really at liberty to explain why, so please just accept it: very taxing!
I'm starting to feel extra over-anxious again - maybe it is just Purim/ Pesach/ taxes time of year, coupled with these papers at work. I had a dream last week. I can't even remember it very well, but it was pretty much the idea that wasband and I were going to live together again primarily to pull resources, and the provide kids with "normal" home. Wouldn't I love that - And ISN'T THAT SAD! Or is it?
Okay here is the sad: I would be giving up on ever having a real husband = helpmate, partner soulmate, beloved, etc, whatever title/ qualities you want to use, I would never in my life have had this; and according to most novels, poems, plays, songs, this is a pretty good thing to have.
I have been back to reviewing Fraiser, watched the 6th season birthday episode, where Fraiser confides to Eddy how upset he is to still be single, how alone he will feel when Daphne moves out. Made me feel that it is not over-dramatic to be sad to be single (not that anyone should try to learn life's truths from television...still...).
On the other had is it so sad? A friend on FB posted parted of what looked like a play, where the "mother" or "grandmother" is explaining that many, if not most, relationships are only meant or able to be transient, so better to be single and happy, than married and miserable.
It's always relevant, because I have these same thoughts when people equate the tragedy of illness with the "tragedy" of being single, most notably when saying Tehillim (Psalms). Is it a tragedy that a) someone will never share a life with a helpmeet / soulmate, or b) someone will never get married? And if it is choice a, then why didn't all you people help me more when I was trying to escape my sham of a marriage? I certainly was being prevented from sharing my life with a mate capable of sharing my life.
And still, if I thought I could "live" with the wasband, but never have to deal with him, never have to interact, had the same freedom I have now - yeah, I think that it extremely tempting. "Live" here = sleep in the same house, but not the same bedroom; also have a separate kitchen, bathroom or living room; keep money extremely separate, maybe have an accountant to pay shared bills, attend social and child-rearing functions together, but had very liberal options on spending shabbos separately, etc.
I guess this is just another "I'm still at this same place" post.
But as I said on Monday: really, I'm pretty well right now.
Bli Eyin Hara!I have a first author paper "in press", another paper where I'm middle author is about to come out, jewelry is selling a bit, my son talks to me a bit, kinda' and might take my help this summer.
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