Finding My Voice

In college, there was a guy (one of the most conceited people I ever met, incredibly knowledgeable, and eventually a good friend) who had a bad way of interrupting me often. One day I got fed up and said "That's it, I'm not speaking anymore today." And everyone around us laughed. "You not speak? You can't keep that up for even one hour." And I was shocked - this was how they saw me. And I was even more shocked when I realized how true it was that I had so utterly changed from just the few month before when I was in high school.

I was shy and quiet as far back as I remember, quiet and shy throughout elementary school, and terribly depressed and frustrated in high school, felt terribly alone, and really was pretty much alone. I really did consciously spend entire days not speaking, waiting to see if anyone would react. Everyone liked me, I think, but I was just easy to overlook, which became a vicious cycle, becoming more unhappy and withdrawn, and therefore more invisible.

College started great, I can't say why; I guess I just started out more visible, therefore became more extroverted, and therefore more visible (and audible). But it proved to be very unstable and dependent on outside factors. A friend came to stay with me at "home" over winter vacation. After a couple days, she asked,"are you feeling unwell?" "No, I'm fine, why?" "You're so quiet, it's bizarre." "...I guess that is just what happens to me as I get closer to the Atlantic Coast."

Well, I don't know if there is really some geologic epicenter of my silence, but I am now physically somewhere between the state of my birth and the state of my undergrad education. My metaphysical position of verbosity is now somewhere in between as well, roughly correlating with the above.

So, when people ask me common polite questions, such as, "How are you?", "How was your weekend?", the answers tend more towards, "Fine...and you?". This is especially true if I am actually doing poorly. I may tend toward whiny, but in general, I am not a complainer.

But the Badass came out again when I was back in the old neighborhood over the holiday.  And this time, it was not just in a dream.  I was having such an utterly horrible time, I wanted to shout it out to the entire community.  So when people politely asked "How is your holiday going?",  I answered, "Really, really awful." while looking them full in the eye.  I think several people were sure they misheard me, as they just smiled, and kept walking.  The rest gave me some short condolences, then tried to give me a little lesson on how to keep a proper perspective. Only one person (ironically, the husband of a couple I just recently met) had anything helpful to say - basically, "You're sad, I'm sorry, it's hard. We would really like to spend time with you if you would like."

Was it better to speak up?  I'm not sure...Let me think about that, and I'll try to get back to you.