...which has proven to be a terrible time of year. Again, I am fighting and crying and feeling so anxious, I can barely think straight. (So don't be too hard about the stagnant weight loss - I don't have strength for that everyday.*) Divorce, custody, school, camp, money, in-laws, illness TOO MUCH! I CAN'T HANDLE IT!
A friend posted on FB asking if anyone wanted to go with her to the beach on Sunday. I jumped, "MUST GO BEACH!" I would've jump no matter what the circumstances, I love the beach, but I also just needed a break, to be with friends, doing something fun this weekend. But so sad: for the first time ever, we arrived at the shore, and I was not bouncy, twinkling happy. I just have too much on my shoulders, on my mind, on my heart to be bouncy or twinkling. What has happened, that even the ocean cannot bring me back to life?
I crawled into bed last night, sometime after 1:00am, after a day at the beach, and an evening doing four big baskets of laundry. I hoped that all the physical activity, plus hours of TV and pencil puzzles and beading would have worn me out enough that I would instantly fall asleep, that I could avoid the anxieties chase each other around my head. But as physically exhausted as I was, the worries continued to dance around, until I finally called out, " Please G-d, I can't do this anymore. Please stop this. I am weak, and I just can't stand anymore." And I felt a little ping in the back of my head - like the "ping" when my water broke with my easiest labor; like the little knuckle crack in your back after sleeping all scrunched; like a physical, small break. And the anxieties quieted. I can't explain it. Maybe G-d answered right away, with a rare, straight-forward 'request granted'. And maybe I'm just physically breaking, more quickly and permanently. Maybe both.
Anyway, I got out of bed this morning, did a considerable amount at the lab today, just called another lawyer for a consultation = another $250, but HOPEFULLY moving toward... divorce, closure, financial clarity (if not stability)????? I don't know, but I guess it is something to be pleased about or proud about...okay, losing focus, rambling, blahblah.
For what it's worth, I am still happy I got to the beach, had a good time. But it was the first time I have been to the Jersey shore since hurricane Sandy; no boardwalk, no Ferris-wheels in the distance; weird, empty, spooky.
* I didn't even touch any of the chocolate truffles placed RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME at the shabbos table, didn't eat any candy at all, ate modest portions. And I really needed comforting. How could that not be worth more weight loss???
No comments:
Post a Comment