So...what happened

Quick update for those of you who want to know details of my life - and a short composition on my point of view of death:

Wasband furious about "stuff acquisition", back to square one vis amicable relations.
One son very angry, his extreme reaction sends me into deep depression.  Since then, some outside intervention, things getting somewhat better, but still very cold.
Working hard to move stuff to great new place lifts my spirits a bit.
Get news that great new place looks to be unavailable.  Back into depression, anger and frustration that G-d teased me with this.
Current place becoming less and less attractive as owners prepare to sell it.
Looking for new apartment in old neighborhood. Everything is more expensive than I can really afford, but I don't think I can do another year of camping in the living room of a 1-bedroom apt.

So yeah, this summer is shaping up as nicely as last.

No, not true, I am still not chronically suicidal as in those years with the wasband, so that must be better.  And I still get some euphoric moments.  But mostly, I'm not so happy about life, don't have a great desire to keep going.

I think about this when I am at a certain class I frequent, on the topic of bitachon and emunah = belief and trust in G-d.  I don't particularly want to get into the subject of the class, just my reaction to the constant inevitable comment that one should be thankful "at least he is still alive", the assertion of other attendees that everyone would agree death is the worst outcome.  For me, that idea is only theoretic - I try to believe that it is advantageous for me to live so that I can have more chance to fulfill more commandments, therefore every single moment of life is precious. And I want to survive so that my children are not hurt.  But not because of any self-focused desire to live.  And it must be this same way for many people, that dieing is far from the worse possible thing.  The teacher from another class I used to attend on "Ethics of the Fathers" used to tell us his Rav would often ask his class, "How long do you want to live?" "'Til one hundred twenty," the students would all chime.  "Then you are foolish," the Rav would respond, "do you know how debilitated you would be, how much pain you would have? Look to live a good long life, but not THAT long."  I also use this line of thinking as a defense mechanism against my own horror when hearing about others being killed, etc:  well they died, and I hope they didn't suffer in the process, but being dead doesn't have to be all that bad.  If it was G-d's will, then how can one even claim it to be a missed opportunity to experience this live on Earth? 

Oh another thing that was going on - mammogram showed "suspicious spot", as has happped past few years.  I go for follow up, but don't really care all that much because 1) this is the third time in several years, fourth time in my life that a lump and/or x-ray spot turned out to be cyst, 2) see above.  But because I am me, what shakes me is the question "Can it be right for the doctors to insist on all the extra x-rays, given how high the radiation dose is per mammogram, and the overwhelming evidence that this is another cyst?  Isn't the risk from all this extra radiation likely to catch up with me before the natural course of my own body?  Who will take this question seriously?"  Now, if I don't care, then why do I care?????

That's all - not too insightful.  Like I said, just an update on what's happening in SW's world.