It seems like forever since I last posted a real piece. I don't know how this will turn out, but I'm gonna post as-is to at least say "Hi Y'all", because I miss this (one-way) conversation.
I have been doing pretty well this past month or so - really walloped with disturbing external stimuli, but internally well balanced. I'm worried that this is turning. I became so depressed since late last week. Well, not really SO depressed relative to my life in total, but just such a strong feeling of the black cloud rolling in and overwhelming all else. I hope it is passing, but it is scary to know that I have so little control over it, and so little control over myself, once the mood takes hold.
I took the little ones on a field trip to The City (although not THE CITY), 1 1/2 weeks ago, and made a stop in the Jewish book store, bought Lisa Twerski's I'm So Confused, Am I Being Abused? because it is the only practical guide to frum divorce I have ever seen. But, of course, I read the parts I didn't strictly need (as I live in a no-fault divorce state) about proving grounds for divorce. Maybe I do need it for beis din, I dunno. Anyway, started again to catalog in my head all the badness that has passed, although didn't write it down. I did once compile a very comprehensive list, immediately before leaving, but I either lost it, or wasband found it, and so I really should re-compile it. So I just made myself upset for nothing. Meanwhile, as I alluded to above, I have really been shocked by the tactics the opposing party is using in court (ooh, "opposing party", kinda good alternative to wasband, doesn't trigger spell check, although not as comprehensive a term). Truly outrageous. I went back on the rampage to all the leaders of the Jewish communtiy "See! See what kind of person we are dealing with?! Will you help NOW? I got (surprisingly!) more supportive responses, but still mainly qualified with "I'm not sure how much I can help this situation." Still have one more person I am debating about speaking to, someone who has not shown any real impetus to help me in the matters at hand.
So this shabbos and Sunday, I couldn't shake these blues. And then I remembered at about 1:00pm "I have a wedding I'm supposed to be at today!! Where is that invitation!? When is it? is it today? did I already miss it?" Found invitation, kabbalos panim (guest to start arriving) called for 5pm - super quick finished laundry (now have 3 baskets of clean wrinkled clothes now, because I had no time to fold anything, just dump in basket and run out of laundromat), go to work to print out directions to the wedding hall 1 hr. away, shower, pick out clothes (thank Goodness I had something clean and nice I had totally forgotten in the back of the closet), make-up, dress, shaitel (wig), in the car, off I go. And I had a WONDERFUL time. Really felt happier to attend this wedding then any I can think of in a long time! Also, socialized, got amazing compliments on my appearance and danced, danced, danced. Whoo I danced. And felt happy, happy.
and when I woke I this morning...I could barely get out of bed against that weight from my black cloud.
Also because results at work are not what my P.I. had hoped for, and her first reaction is to share her displeasure...
Tangent: I get that "WOW! is that you?!" to wig and make-up every time, because, frankly, I look like a dump much of the time these days. It is hard to get dolled up for no one in particular, except when I get into those "Uch, I'm tired of looking like a schlump"-modes, which never last too long. It often reminds me of this terrible TV show from the '80s, with Ted Knight, called Too Close For Comfort. In one episode the bombshell daughter Sara is applying to move up from weather-girl to co-anchor on the local news show. Her competition is dismissed as a blah-looking woman who always seems to be ill - let's call her Marlene. So at the camera trial, this Marlene shows up stunning: all done-up (and apparently on efficient antihistamines and/or caffeine), and everyone asks Sara "THAT'S Marlene?!" I'm not interested enough to look it up myself, but if for some reason one of you finds a youtube link, let me know.
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