There was a time, long ago, when I believed things could be better. Then there was a while when, although I knew I would never be happy, at least things could become satisfactorily "good", so as to make life worth living.
So what happens next, when the past is only painful, but the future can't offer anything better?
Those people who would call themselves my friends would say this is just depression talking. Anyone who really knows me would say this is reality, and I need to adjust myself to reality. I didn't want to hear that message 26 years ago, but I have lost the war, and still I can't take that message today.
I'm tired of trying to fight up hill, to get above the rock-slide. I just want to give in, but do the best I can for others while I am here, because that is what makes me "pleased". I will never have enough money to rise above poor. I will never have courage or cleverness or strength to go to a higher level of status or employment. Maybe at least I can be helpful and virtuous in my own eyes.
Nah.
Maybe I can at least put myself in harms way so as to finish quickly.
I am so sorry that you are hurting this badly. I wish I could do something to make things more okay. That is so cliche, but I truly mean it.
ReplyDeleteI just discovered your blog today. You are amazing for surviving all you've experienced. And for letting yourself feel what you're feeling.
Sending you lots of love.
It's always so nice to find out I connected with someone, so thank you so much for commenting. May I ask you to share something about yourself? just to get a sense of the kind person who reached out. No pressure - even though I seem to have become comfortable spilling my guts publicly in this forum, everywhere else I'm a privacy freak.
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