My friend just coined that moniker. I was telling her that I am clear on what would be my top criteria in a potential spouse. I am NOT currently shopping for a future spouse; this is just about an observation I had over this weekend.
I recently confided in people that really were not going to be my advocates. I should have known this going into the conversation, but I am so needy to have some support that I went against better judgment, and told them some of my plans and fears. When it became clear that they would not be using this information to look out for my welfare, I felt more alone and frightened then in several weeks.
This Saturday I was reading a book another friend had lying around: Shidduch Secrets. The book is specifically about dating in the Orthodox Jewish world, but the ideas more generally are about becoming clear for yourself what you need most from a spouse, in order to have a happy fulfilling marriage, not just assuming everyone needs the same things. I'm not trying to suggest the book is good (or bad), but it put this subject in my head.
My highest requirements would not be physical attractiveness or wealth, not even sense of humor or intelligence. What I need most is the confidence that my spouse will always cover my back, because we are a team.
When I told this to my friend, she said "Yes, someone who cares about you." But no, that is not necessarily the same thing. As Marian the Librarian says, I want someone "more interested in Us than in Me".
I need someone who wants to be part of a team, who wants to depend on me, and wants for me to depend on him. When I was young and stupid, I assumed this is what everyone wanted. Instead, there are lots of people who want to be independent, feel that complete self-reliance is their ideal - which is fine, I guess, but it is not who I am, and not who I am looking for. I need someone who not only will be dependent on me, but wants to be dependent. and wants me to depend on him. A man who wants to act, plan, celebrate, mourn and dream as a team.
As a funny aside, the idea of a spouse as someone to literally "cover your back", is explained by Mel Brooks, the 2000 Year Old Man. To paraphase: "Marriage also stems from fear, everything stems from fear. You can't see in back of you. So you take some lady, you say 'Hey lady will you look behind me?' 'How long?' 'Forever!' and that's it, you walk around attached, you're married."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIezIhi9JNc&feature=related
(Sorry I can't just attached the video, something is not working. This link should go to the 2000 Year Old Man animated cartoon).
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