True wealth? The depressing post.

Until now, I really did try to post upbeat essays, because depressing ones are generally not interesting - just whiny.  But I really want to put this down.  And what I say is NOT meant as a stab at anyone.  I know a lot of people genuinely want to help, and a few people have really put out effort.  I appreciate your kindness, and it helps, but the situation doesn't change.  And if you are trying to hold on to a recent high (you know who you are), this is not the time to read this post.  I am going through a bad time.  There's a lot, A LOT of outside stimuli aggravating a existing depression.  And it is really affecting ability to act amiable.  More to the point - I'm acting like a jerk.  Well, maybe I'm being a bit hard on myself; outside of my family, I haven't actually been mean or even particularly rude - but self-absorbed all the time. 
In the past couple week I've gone to a wedding and a birthday bash.  I just couldn't get happy.  I pretended, but not with a whole lot of enthusiasm, and I actually started crying for myself at each.  Pathetic.  I cry at everything now, always obsessed with my continual pity-parties. 
In the past couple months I had an epiphany.  I was always thinking, "I'm smart.  If I believed what other people say, I'm damn smart.  So why don't I have the good life?  I deserve it!"  then I realized - I don't deserve anything for being smart.  If I am smart, that was a gift I was given.  I may have an obligation from the Giver to use this tool for all the best that I can. But receipt of one gift does not equal entitlement to another gift. (I did think about that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, about the shirt that is "a problem, not a gift" http://www.watch-crub-your-enthusiasm-online.com/Watch_Curb_Your_Enthusiasm_Online_Season_3_Episode_1_Chets_Shirt.html but I don't want to go there right now).  I don't know if that helped me cope at all, but at least it's one less angle to complain about.
I was trying to think of a good story to go with this - but I can't.  Or rather, all the stories I think of show why I am so pathetic.  Think of the hundreds of books, movies, folk tales, bumper stickers, etc, that explain that life's worth is measured in love, family, good friends, health.  I'm almost bankrupt.  If my funeral were tomorrow, I don't think more than 20 people would show up.  If I were never born, I guess a lot of people might have been somehow worse off, but I'm fairly certain there would be no large, or even moderate, or even small scale change in any of the cities where I lived (as if I were George Bailey).  And on the balance, it's seem quite possible that the world would have been better off without me, because when I am bad, I am horrid.
That's all.  Sorry for being whiny.