Look over there! Where?

The other night, in the car, I heard a snippet of Joe Jackson's "Is She Really Going Out with Him".  It was a "visceral response" moment.  The song brought back a flood of memories from college through early marriage.  The wasband and I didn't agree too much on music (like many media, he seemed to be interested much more in the "knowing about" music, than actually enjoying it; but maybe I'm wrong; anyway...), but we both like Joe Jackson.  I'm listening to it again as I type, and I want to be back with those people who knew me when I used to feel free and fun. 

And I wanted to flirt with the wasband.  Come on! he was my husband for almost half my life, and in the most obvious ways, I was much more intimate with him then anyone else in this world.  So when I want to flirt with someone - he is the first person to come to my mind.  When I want to remember being a young adult, when I want to share memories of the children, when I want to remember being a lover, when I need to feel close to another soul, the person I imagine next to me is...him.

 Right after I heard the song, I went in to a school meeting, and I saw the wasband walk into the room.  For a second, I expected him to come sit with me - because for umpteen year that was the obvious expectation, thus the inertial response.  Then I became scared, terribly scared, had an anxiety attack with the heavy breathing and heart pumping.  I don't know why exactly, but I just wanted to run. 

I keep thinking of the scene from "The Way We Were", when Barbara Streisand call Robert Redford, after their first breakup, to say she needed to talk with someone close about how angry and upset she was with him, but the only close friend she could think of, with whom she would want to talk,  was him. (If that wasn't clear, go watch the movie.)  Anyway, I felt that way a LOT over the years.  These things don't disappear all at once, you know.